no reins

2010-06-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'm movin'.
lets be honest. I didn't really post much anyway.
Check it out!

his gift.

2010-05-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I try to tell God that I know what He is doing. I tell Him that I've got it and not to worry because I too understand the events to come.
And yet again He proves me wrong.

I thought this summer was going to be filled with independence and letting go, when tonight the majority of my day was spent strengthening relationships.

My day seemed uncharacteristically devoted to realizing the blessing of the people God has placed in my life as well as realizing the strength and depth of their love for me. As I tell God that He will be stripping me of the relationships i deem too important He is telling me that their importance is His gift to me. That in many cases their importance is holy. He has surrounded me with those whom I love and love me back.

i want that.

2010-04-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

i was reading this blog today. Its astoundingly encouraging. The woman is pregnant with a child who has fatal kidney and heart conditions, but no matter her daughters fate her eyes are wholeheartedly focused on Christ. When she found out the news of her baby's condition the only words she could mutter were "... my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room." She continued to say its is okay He is the same. He is the same. Her heart is surrendered wholly. Her motives are His motives. Her love is His love. She is His even if that means sacrificing something she loves so much as her child. She knows God is still God, and He is still good. The things of this world even as traumatic as loss of a child are not shaking the platform she is standing on.
I want that.
Grant me faith like that.
My feeble inabilities cause me to shake and crumble under pressure. I am easily confused and distracted but He isn't.
He has my way planned step by step, a focus on Him is more important than anything of this world.
He is all.
thats it.
Why am I so easily seduced by the things of this world? why is my attention so quickly averted and why do my emotions feel so important? Emotions with fluctuate, but truth will not.

2010-04-20T20:29:00.001-07:00

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

late.

2010-04-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

new song

Ron Pope.
'fireflies' and 'a drop in the ocean'

One is silver

2010-04-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

One of the most fun times in a friendship is the beginning. There are no problems, no weight, no baggage.
Its all fun. It is so new and exciting, with new things to learn every day. There is hope in the future and little at stake. It is carefree.

2010-03-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

because Jesus first loved so too can I.

2010-03-15T12:49:00.001-07:00

john mayer.
john mayer.
john mayer.
john mayer.

Valentine's day of Champions.

2010-02-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

The ingredients to a beautiful Valentine's day:

1    breakfast with friends
12 pink roses
3    bags of chocolate
2    new CDs
1    cute boy
4    hours of The Office

enjoy.

wisdom from my mama

2010-02-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

worry is about something that isn't, but something that we think will be.

uncharacteristicly procrastinating.

2010-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

right now, I should be studying. I have a test in less than an hour.
I have only studied about 30 minutes for this test but for some reason I feel as if I could handle anything they throw at me.
ha, that's probably not true but for some reason my usually super studious mind has shut off.
I am completely unmotivated.
I have no desire to look at the physics book that my arms are resting on.
I am probably going to regret this feeling when I get in that test room.
oh well. Sometimes I just need to chill out. Grades aren't everything.
so in a way I am kind of proud of this new slacking feeling.
It, in a way, is kind of good. I know the material. I pay attention.
wish me luck. I feel like I'm going to need it on this test.

2010-02-08T17:04:00.001-08:00

today, I am just tired of my world.

I am going to slip into the world of Nicolas Sparks.

knight in shining armor

2010-02-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

people will be a disappointment to you.
They will let you down, hurt your feelings and sometimes even abandon you.
such a depressing and solemn idea.
But thats not the idea at all, that is the begining of the story. That is just the setting of the scene.
Introduce the main character; Jesus riding in on his white horse to save the day.
the reason people can be so disappointing to us is because we rely on others to fill spot that only our one true and perfect love could do. The love of Jesus christ is the ONLY thing that can fill these things. He is the ONLY one who can satisfy and who will never let you down of abandon you. so what are we doing looking to imperfect humans to fulfill these holes in our heart when we are beakoned by the one true King? Wouldn't it be lovely to just rely fully on God, give him all your troubles, let him fill your heart up with love? Why are we not pursuing this relationship with such determination as we do when we are in a romantic relationship, and why are we not busting at the seams to tell God our exciting secrets like we do with our best friends. what is holding us from focusing all of your attention on the only thing worth of our lives?

I just don't know.

2010-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

lets talk about stress.
I have plenty to talk about.
I am taking 16 hours, pretty normal load. But they are 16 HARD hours.
Quantitative Chemistry, Engineering Calculus II, English, and physics as well as physics and chemistry lab.
I was working for nearly 11 hours straight today (well actually I had two breaks, lunch and 15min. workout and dinner). Its tough.
yeah, I' complaining. yeah, others have it harder.
but, I just need to vent to my virtual world so I don't overload my real one.
I have 14 assignments to do this week.
I had just about the same amount last week.
and that doesn't count the intro and outline I need to write.
I need to read. I need to clean. and I need to do laundry.
uhhh.
I'll get it all done, I know, but this is just the first year of Chemical Engineering.
Hello Mac. Goodbye social life.
okay I'm done.
I need sleep.

okay thank you for letting me vent. I am relaxed now. :)

amnesia.

2010-01-20T20:16:00.000-08:00

so my pastor talked about spiritual amnesia that seems to take over our bodies when we hit a rough place in our life. This is basically temporarily forgetting everything God has done up to this point. Forgetting every way in which He has provided and every blessing He has bestowed.
It looks like I have been struck with another case of the forgetful disease.
God has provided. He will provide. Its a promise.
my life verse states (romans 8:28) that not only will things work toward His but also to the JOY of those who love Him. hello. what do I seem to think that means, its obviously not that He is going to make my life miserable.
So right now I am trying to sit back, relax, and take note of what God has done and what God will do.

oh john.

2010-01-18T18:41:00.000-08:00

dear john mayer.
I am oh so excited about seeing you! I listen to you all the time, some would say its a bit of an obsession.
I hope you play I'm on fire. Please make this concert your best. :)

love,
Christin

2009-12-07T13:22:00.001-08:00

babylon.
David Gray.

2009-12-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

tell someone you love how much they mean to you.
life's to unpredictable to not have them know what they mean to you.

new song.

2009-12-01T12:13:00.001-08:00

this is beautiful.
tyrone wells.

happy thanksgiving.

2009-11-26T09:04:00.001-08:00

enjoy turkey.
enjoy pumpkin pies.
enjoy the parade.
and finally,
enjoy Christmas music.
:)

soilder

2009-11-20T12:16:00.001-08:00

we all have our battles. even that person you think is perfect is fighting something.

When we fight alone we grow tired, discouraged and we sometimes lose our footing.

To keep ourselves standing we mount ourselves down with ropes built of defensiveness, shame, and numbness and shield ourselves with masks and worldly things. These tethers grow stronger and stronger and our masks grow thicker the longer we fight alone. They become the only thing holding us down keeping us from being swept away by the enemy. They crazy part is that we don't even realize that its a trick. The tethers may be keeping us on the ground but they are also keeping us well within reach of the enemy army. They cheer as we place another rope around our waist to keep our feet under us.

They not only don't want you to run out of their grasping hands, they even more don't want you to run into the loving hands of Him. Because you see, in His hands there is no need for these chains.

The image I get is that while you sit in His right hand he shields you with His left. That is not to say that no bad comes to those who trust in God, it does, but you are held up by the one and only.

Have no fear when you are basking in the glow of the Savior. The army backing you is now infinitely stronger than the one that is attacking you've just got to call for that help and let Him scoop you up and protect you. He will not send anything you cannot handle. That's a promise.

foggy

2009-11-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

My future is foggy.
its like looking though a dirty window. nope actually its like trying to see through a wall.
I have NO idea whats ahead. Who knows Jesus may come tomorrow.
but if he doesn't i will probably still be stressing about my roommate next semester. Looks like another run at potluck is going to be in order, and I'm a little less hopeful this time. i feel it is just plain unfair to get two awesome random roommates.
God has been urging me recently to quit stressing. He has it.
every situation in my head and on my heart is in his hands and as much as i feel like i can, i cannot change my path by worrying about it.
So why don't i just sit back and relax as a I hand these situations over to Jesus while he reminds me there is no where more perfect to place them.

My future is made foggy so that i will stop focusing on it and focus on God.

time

2009-11-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

I think the devil loves the concept of time.
It seems like the number one reason that I don't stop and rest in my creators presence. I don't have time, I can't do that right now I need to get some work done. That is a daily excuse I use. Its the daily barrier I place between my friend and me. Its the thing that I allow to keep me separated from him.
It's kinda crazy though to think that I would allow time constraints to keep me from the one who created the concept of time. If he wants me to spend it with him he will make it not a problem. He won't make time a problem for me, he is the only one with the power to do that. So when I start to think about my time I need to again think about the one who created it.
and another thing, are we not supposed to give our first fruits to God. That isn't just money, that everything including time. Its supposed to be a sacrifice, and God promises that when you give he will multiply by tenfold. So give when i give my time I am promised that he will give me what I need. So relax and give to him. mind body and soul. and time.

2009-11-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

half of my heart.
john mayer

To do.

2009-10-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

this is my to-do list for the weekend.
.carve a pumpkin
.make a caramel apple
.get puppies out at the pet store
.celebrate one year with my boy
.find a super cute costume
.have an excellent weekend :)

2009-10-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

oh and one more, its just too cute.
you've probably heard it.

Amazing. Josh Kelley.

matt

2009-10-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

this week i decided to post a couple of songs that aren't new to me but are probably new to you. I love them.

sweetness in the starlight. Matt wertz

sooner surrender. Matt Nathanson

apparently i like matt's this week.

things change.

2009-10-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

its inevitable, time is going to pass and things are going to change, evolve, become something new.
Sometimes its awesome and you leap head first into a pool of the unknown excited to experience whats ahead,
but sometimes its not.
sometimes you have to be dragged kicking and screaming.
sometimes it means you lose thing, people.
sometimes you're bitter about the change, that lose.
sometimes you ignore it hoping it will go back to how it was.
but the fact is it has changed.
so you can look back at what was, refusing to face what is
or
you can dive in.
leaving the past in the past and living for the now.
you can evolve with the things around you.

Change is change.
its inevitable.
its hard.
its exciting.

a text convo.

2009-10-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

me. 'So i have this light on my eyes that makes me look like a vampire. woah.'
J. 'hahahah oh gosh. thats so funny.'
me. 'i wish you could see its kinda crazy.'
J.'haha me too. that sounds crazy. What if you really were a vampire? That would be crazy crazy.'
me. 'i would run to places like italy :) and fight all the bad guys.'
J. 'if that were a facebook comment i would have liked it.'

this week.

2009-10-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

johnmayers new stuff.

who says.
john mayer.

2009-10-08T16:40:00.001-07:00

New song of the week.

Begin again.
colbie callait

Discovery.

2009-09-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

i love finding music I have never heard of. It makes me really excited to show other people my new discovery and so I have decided to make a weekly post of my new favorite song.

This week.

All over now.
Eric Hutchinson.
check it. ;)

part of the pack

2009-09-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Wolfpack,
I love you. You are awesome.
I love watching you play football.
I love eating in your dinning halls, most of the time.
I love walking through the expression tunnel.
I love chanting your name in random places.
I love wearing your wolfpack red.
I love living in your dorms.
And again, I love you. =]

so hey.

2009-09-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend it finally clicked.

Jesus is MY friend. Jesus loves me. Jesus is more important.

more important than check lists and to-do's.

my snapshots.

2009-09-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

There are just those little moments that stick you, those images so detailed and so precise that just the thought of them can cojure up the exact emotions of the actual moment.
here are some of my snapshots. they probably won't mean anything to you but you know you have those snapshots of your own.

a game gone wrong
he was green and blue.
shaking and out of control.
6 seconds of pure terror.
too much helium too little oxygen.
thinking this isn't a joke anymore.

he had his red hood up.
and his elbows on his knees.
in straight stare.
sitting under a tall table.
it was the beginning of a very tough year.
we could hear friends talking and bowling pins falling
but nothing felt right

my loving grandma with good news "the baby was here".
i look at her with my messy hair and a night gown from a good nights rest.
the room flooding with light through the huge windows in the foyer of our small house.
pure excitment as I learned my baby brother was born.

brainstorming

2009-09-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

I want to make shampoo. . . I want to be a chemical engineer. kind of.

I like math. I like chemistry. I like sciences.

I like a good challenge and the thrill of the accomplishment.

But what impact would i have, what kind of effect would making make-up and shampoo have? How could that help people?

I want to help someone.

I want to make an impact.

I want to help kids. Kids who need the basic necessities that I take for granted everyday.

Instead of thinking how can I benefit from this job I want to instead think how can use this job to love others as I have been loved?

How menial does it sound now to even think about wasting my time improving shampoo when I could improve living conditions?

entitlement

2009-07-05T12:12:00.001-07:00

So just recently I have backed out of my current rooming situation for the fall. It was a very good choice for me, but in turn left me room-less, and roommate-less as well as leaving the girl I was going to room with without a roommate also.

This decision took a lot of tears, and a few panic attacks but I feel like through some words of others it is what God was telling me was best.

Cool, I'm doing what God wants me to, that's great right?

Yeah it is, but the main reason I though so was because for some reason I wasn't at all stressed about with whom or where I was going to be now living in the fall. I trusted that God had a plan, after all He was the one who told me I shouldn't room where I was rooming. That makes sense. But here is the wrong part. I felt that God, since I had followed his path was going to lead me to one that was exactly what I would want, I was going to room where I want with a roommate I would love. Thats what I deserved. Making that decision was hard and took a lot of pain, shouldn't I be rewarded. I felt that I was entitled to something that was pleasing to me for doing something that was pleasing to Him.

Let's get this straight. God, let me say that again, The God Of The Freaking UNIVERSE, does not owe me anything. I am not entitled to getting my way, I don't deserve a reward for following Him, which really is a reward in and of itself. How silly it is to think God owes us.

All of this is not to say that God doesn't reward those who follow Him, He does. It is promised in His word, but it is more to say that I have no right to expect God to deliver when and where I think He should. The room and roommate he delivers will be exactly what he wants them to be and exactly what he knows I need, even if that is maybe a tough freshman year switching around rooms. He will follow His perfect plan, not my short-sighted, faulty plan.

who knew a warm-up could turn out so beautifully?

2009-03-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

This last week we have been studying a unit in Spanish about careers and words associated with jobs and so on. One of our warm up assignment was to say what we wanted to be when we "grew up." That growing up really starts next year though, doesn't it?

As normal, we went around the room and reviewed our responses and after we did I realized something, everyone wanted to be something great, something that was full of passion or helped others. Well yeah, no one wants to become the corrupt businessman or the guy in jail but it was just like when we were little kids, we still want to be doctors, teachers, actors. . . Will we all become the life saving doctor or the Broadway actor? No, probably not, but the sincerity that these nearly adults showed through their dreams and aspirations was, simply, beautiful. Its hard to see now-a-days that there is still belief that you can truly be anything you want with hard work. It was so good to see. Recently I have felt that the world has told us rising college freshman to choose something safe, follow a path that will not fail. It was good to see that determination to be something great.

i think it deserves a post...

2009-02-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

In the last two and a half weeks I have been to the doctor 8 times. That is just about every other day. I have two doctors appointments scheduled in the next ten days. Me and the nurse are pretty much on first name basis.

Lets start from the beginning, indoor lacrosse, I am playing defense with less than 5 minutes till the practice is over. I take a sharp turn to the left, everything but the bottom of my leg turns. The next thing I know I am down and all I can say is "It hurts so bad!". Coaches come over they get a little worried when i say its my knee but I can bend it a little so they say it can't be a ligament. I hobble off and drive home. I ice it and limp around for a week and a half. It must just be twisted, it will be fine. The doctor says "its not your ACL so thats good, you probably just twisted it. Go to an orthopedic doctor if you aren't better in a week. Ice it."

A week passes I go to the doctor. He says "I think its your ACL... you need an MRI" My heart drops. My lacrosse career could be over. I was stunned and completely bummed.

Three days later I get an MRI. My ACL is completely torn. Lacrosse is over. Surgery. Recovery. Crutches. oh great. I meet with a surgeon who says that its kind of urgent that we do this surgery how about in two days? What! Well, okay.

Surgery goes great, exactly how they planned. Good good. I am completely out out for three days. The couch became my permeant home. Popping pain pills every 6 hours the first two days which cause nausea for three. Using crutches to get to the bathroom. So many flowers and candies. Make up work out the wazooh. A lot of sleeping. Doctors appointment the day after the surgery and everything looks good. sweet. School with crutches, not fun... at all. Loose the crutches today, settle with a pretty bad limp, more of a drag. Doctors appointment today.

Not fun. Surgeon says "oh lets see lets straighten your leg. Uh oh, its not getting too straight I'll do it." I think that is the worst pain I have had through this whole experience.

"Looks like maybe we should drain your knee." Again, not fun.

"okay, well I am going to stick this huge needle in your capillaries, its not going to feel good but don't worry it won't hurt me at all" He sticks the needle into my joints for what felt like a year but was probably really a good 2 minutes moving it around while his arm shook because of the pressure he was applying to the syringe. "okay we're done" He lifts up a half full inch and a half in diameter syringe. "That was in your knee." Sick.

yep, pain pill would be great right now.

So that has been my ACL experience up to this point. Now I think I will go work on straightening my leg before I go to Physical therapy and they do it for me...

come on in.

2009-01-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

It was the end to a whirlwind of a summer.

Just days before my two week trip to the beach, buying last minute supplies for my friends trip to California.

I sat shaking in her car outside of Wal-mart, scared to death to do what God had apparently set on my heart to do that night. Sharing my story wasn't something I did regularly, and definitely not to the extent which I felt led to do that night. There really isn't reason for that kind of detail in most cases, but apparently it was a step I needed to take.

I gave in. I shared, everything. It was terrifying, would they see me as I had for so long and sometimes still do? Would they think of me differently?

It was a step i needed to take to show myself that as logical as the devil had made it seem it was totally insane to think the way i have. i needed to let to go of my past. This was a step.

so that summer night i let the walls of my heart down for a little bit. I let them in.

itunes

2009-01-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

dear itunes,

I would like to inform you of a problem I am having.

you see after buying some new songs (most of them Shane & Shane) I went back to my library to look at the over 1000 songs I was supposed to have. Here comes the problem. I had four songs. yes four, that was it. The four new songs I had just bought.

No, I wasn't in the recently purchased section. And yes, I did click show all songs.

now you see the problem.

my music is gone. all of it.

please help.

sincerely,

Chrsitin

enjoy

2009-01-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks ago I rode my horse with my friend Megan. It reminded me why I love horseback riding.

When we rode this time we rode bareback, without a saddle and in a way kinda without the restraints.

We used to race all the time, but this was the first time in a long time.

We started at the bottom of the hill and I could feel logan holding back. Her hooves started to prance and she threw her head. My hands were starting to hurt from holding the reins tight, she was ready to go. Megan went first, and then I let her go. I didn't have to do a thing, I hardly had to loosen my grip before she was flying. Leaning forward my hands gripped her mane doing anything to stay on. In about 5 seconds we had gotten to the fence I grabbed the reins and straightened up, her back legs flew up into a buck, an attempt to keep running. She felt good, that competitive streak I knew she had, was blindingly obvious at this point. We finally stopped only a few short feet from the fence. Out of breath, me and megan babbled about how crazy that was. Its an adrenaline rush like nothing else, there is no way to have complete control of the situation. Like I said in the first post I wrote, sometimes its a good thing to let go of the control for a second, to just enjoy the ride.

oh eight

2008-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like its mandatory to right one post one the very last day of the year summing it up.

But honestly I don't think there is a word for the year that I have had.

I have cried more genuine tears, and laughed till my stomach hurt more this year than any past.

I have built so many amazing new relationships but lost some that were hurting.

I have dealt with some of the hardest things but have experienced some of the most rewarding.

I have begun to plan for the future and forget the past.

17. I always thought it was a throw away year. just kinda stuck between two big ones. But I was wrong. so so wrong.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, from my family to yours.

running hard

2008-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

why can't I make everything alright?

why can't I fix everything?

It has never been this hard to trust God to handle something. I guess that's because I have never had something this big that I had to give to him.

Never have I come to God so confused and so angry, and I am so thankful that I do not have to make myself presentable to him because right now it is all I can do to come to him.

I am welcomed with open arms even when all I want to do is yell. It is hard to imagine why God wants us to come to him even in a state like that, his love really is unfathomable.

So the moral of this poorly written emotional overflow is come running, messy with real emotion into his arms, He is ready for you.

2008-11-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

Today I just want to write.

I need to write. There is nothing in particular that I have in mind, no major revelations today.

All I know is I have butterflies, and they won't seem to go away. Maybe they are from anxiety about the future, maybe from the excitement of a new relationship, maybe a little resentment of a precious relationship that is falling. I don't know but apparently they have made my stomach their new home.

2008-11-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

"I wish you freedom

I wish you peace

I wish you nights of stars that beckon you to sleep

I wish I could be there

but I can't"

The acceptance letters have started coming along with the realization that this is our last year together. Charlotte isn't that far away but its a whole lot further than 2 miles.

218 days.

2008-10-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

Change is so scary sometimes. It strips away the comfort of the known.
It's effects are hard to control, and I will readily admit I like control.
So the same fear is still ahead of me. College. Easily the biggest change of my life and as of tonight, other than the decision making process, college is out of my hands. Applications will be done, grades submitted. There is nothing left I can do to control where I get in. There is nothing I have left to do to.
The rest of my life, my life on my own, is laying right in front of me.

218 days till graduation. The count down has begun.

my day.

2008-10-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today was Page-Grimsley. It was a completely crazy day. (At this very moment I am speaking to the amazing Spencer Vaughn who is trying to console and trying to stop my shaking.)
Okay so lets start at about 3:00pm today at school. We were having our annual pep rally before the big rivalry game. It started off all fun, until fight broke out behind me. Me, along with just about every other senior in the stands, was quickly shoved off the stadium stairs. Not a good feeling. Administrators pushed passed and within minutes the fight seemed under control, then our attention was drawn to the opposite side of the gym. Another fight had broken out. This fight soon enough moved to the center of the gym where the performances had once been going on. Just as soon as this fight was there had hundred, yes hundreds of people joined it. I did as I was told and quickly walked out side with all of the other students who felt that maybe a huge brawl isn't exactly what we need during a pep rally. I went home a bit shaken up and eventually calmed down.
Then I went to the Page-Grimsley game where of course Page kicked some butt and had a great time. I heard that apparently there was to be a party in my neighborhood and honestly had no desire to go and no possible way of going either because I was supposed to watch my little brothers. So, instead four of my friends came over and we watched drum line while my little brothers slept. We drank sprites and doctor pepper and ate oreos. pretty harmless. We step out of my house to see two police cars. I wasn't nervous, we had done nothing wrong. I got a little more nervous when a man with a flashlight came out of the wood. It was the police man.
He questioned us saying that he smelled weed. When I heard the other cop talking about the party down the street I immediately said we had nothing to do with it. Not a good idea to deny something you haven't been accused of. I was defensive, in the most polite way possible, but still I couldn't stop saying "I promise we didn't smoke, you can test me." "I promise this" "I promise that" apparently you shouldn't be defensive. I learned this later. Everything that could be wrong was, my parents we out of town, my brothers and their friends have a fort with beer bottles in it ( not sure why) that the police saw and I had to explain what it was. Not exactly an easy task.
They eventually let us go, not believing us at all.
I hate that they don't believe me, I honestly did nothing wrong. I told them that but tactics for convincing someone of the truth aren't exactly optimal for a cop.

What I learned tonight, answer direct questions and don't try to convince them that you didn't do anything wrong because they won't believe you.

sorry.

2008-10-14T18:26:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't want you to come to the game. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I think you are probably the person whose feelings are the ones I would most like to protect. I promise I really do like to spend time with you. no joke.
I know you don't understand my reasoning, I guess that's understandable. I learned today in Psychology class that teens brains really don't work quite right; that we use the emotion and instinctual parts of our brains more where a fully developed adult uses the logic part more. So one day I too will not understand the irrational decisions I make now. So i just want you to know that I'm sorry for my stupid decisions and even more sorry I hurt your feelings.

dragging

2008-10-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

Everyone has it.
Baggage from past relationships, situations or mistakes. It weighs us down, keeping us from things that initially should have been easy, but having to carry what feels like suitcases full of rocks makes this simple task, a process.
We get so used to carrying this weight we sometimes don't realize how much we are dragging. It becomes part of our daily struggle. Everyday while it seems that it is getting easier, the reality is, is that we are starting to incorporate it into our life a little more, making something that is not supposed to be in our life, a normal thing.
We are faced daily with the opportunity to let it go, but sometimes once we get to the point that we realize letting it go is an option we have no idea how to function with out it. The freedom that giving it away gives scares us, we don't know how to handle it. So we hold on a little longer while keeping with this twisted sense of comfort.
But how could we logically live dragging this weight when right beside us is one who is infinitely stronger than us and is offering to take it, leaving you with nothing to carry? It seems silly, but we do it everyday.

lost and found.

2008-10-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

So. . . good news.
God's kind of AMAZING.
I get to keep my horse. sort of. We are "loaning" her to the a family friend. They own the barn that she is boarded at and are incredible people. They know about the financial crunch that my family has been feeling and when my mom told them that we were going to have to sell/give away logan they offered to help. They are going to use her for lessons, and still allow me to ride. they make money, we save money and i get to keep my baby. I know, what could be better.
Basically God has stepped in all 9000 times we have had to almost sell her. There has to be a reason.
So thanks God. You're pretty cool.

lost dream

2008-10-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

I don't like telling big news. This probably surprises many of you because you know that I love to tell anyone and everyone every little thing that happens in my life, but one wouldn't expect that the big things i just don't feel there is ever a right time to tell someone.
well, i guess now is a good time to tell cyber space. To many this won't matter, that's okay, its huge to me.
So at the end of the month I won't have a horse anymore. She's expensive, really expensive. I know that, I understand the reasoning. My parents are super stressed about money, the housing market sucks, meaning my dads company is sucking wind. We have no extra money, we all have to make sacrifices and I guess my horse is mine, but it really really sucks.
We are trying to sell her, but if we don't sell her, we're giving her away. So anyone looking for an exceptionally sweet quarter horse worth about one and a half grand please talk to me.
If you were to talk to me about this, I would be nonchalant as if i could care less about it, when really its really going to be hard.
Its not even that I'm losing my horse, where that is going to hurt its going to be nothing compared to the fear I have about losing a dream.
My life long plan has always involved horses, my college choice, my prospective career path, everything. What will I do with out it?
I feel like if I don't have a horse maybe I will see that I don't really need horses in my life, maybe I don't want to have horses all my life, maybe my college doesn't have to include horses.
Crap. My whole plan is shot. Where do I go now? What do I want to do with my life?

My life plan is centered around horses and if I lose that I don't know where to head. I feel like losing her is losing a dream.

good night

2008-09-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

tonight we were real with eachother.
tonight you showed me that you needed me. tonight you asked for an opinion, a real honest opinion. I felt like it really mattered what I thought, you really took what I said to heart.
I gave you my opinion without keeping back anything. This was new, but a lot easier than expected. I gave you evidence of my faith, a faith that I know you know but I am for some reason afraid to show you. but today it was easy.
i love being sibling-like. i just wish it had happened a little earlier.
Tonight I was so proud to be your sister.

2008-09-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

'Cowboy, take me away. Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue.'

vulnerable.

2008-09-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

I felt like sharing my life today. I felt like being vulnerable.
I don't know where it came from but I needed to write my testimony today, to share it. It felt heavy, real. I wanted to let someone know what I have been through and what God's done, I wanted to share it today. I guess its just one of those weird days.

mothering

2008-09-21T10:48:00.001-07:00

We ate lunch with my friends niece today. Shes completely precious, a bouncing blond little three year old. She kept us laughing all lunch, and i found myself mothering all lunch. "Rachel, I'll open that for you. Rachel, look at those beautiful shoes. Rachel, do you want your chocolate milk?" She didn't need me to help her, her uncle was there but its instinctual. Its the mother in me.
so spence, sorry.

self-rightous

2008-09-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

I was yelled at tonight.
I felt like it kind of came out of the blue, so it hit pretty hard. Not only the fact that i was being yelled at but what was yelled hurt.
"I just tired of you being so self-righteous."
Well, shoot. Ouch. That hurts.
Being self-righteous is by definition not exactly something someone is going to admit to being. So, all night I've been denying that fact. I am not self-righteous. I am not.
But maybe I am. Maybe I'm not always right. Well, I know I'm not always right. This bothered me so much because that one self-righteous Christian can so easily turn one wandering heart away from the way-too-humble Christ.
As I heard it this weekend, "The biggest reason for Atheism is Christians."
So many Christians parade around like they are better, some how more worthy of God's love. They have been forgiven and the people who haven't found Christ yet are nothing but sin.

Nothing but sin. . . if we think that way, how, in the world, are we supposed to present Christ in a loving manner, anything in the direction of how God would. Why do so many Christians feel that just because people don't love God, God doesn't love them. Haven't we been taught of God's complete and unconditional love? In what verse does it state that His love only applies to the Christians? It doesn't. We have no more right to His love than does one who doesn't know it.

So the first step to a solution is admitting you have a problem, so here goes.
Hi, my name is Christin and sometimes I can be self-righteous.

conditional

2008-09-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

"I would love you no matter what."

"haha, well I'm glad your love is unconditional."

"of course."

This is a conversation I had with a friend last night, he had no idea that this was really a big realization that I have come to not too long ago. People aren't going to stop loving me because of my lack of achievements. I don't have to be an amazing lacrosse player, or extremely smart to be loved.

What makes me any different from everyone else if I don't have amazing achievements?

This question has almost been a life purpose. Be different, stand out, give people a reason to love you and do it on your own. You aren't enough with out these achievements there are so many other people out there, you must stand out. and you must do it alone.

LIE.

Number one: I don't need specific achievements to stand out. As much as the Enemy may tell me otherwise, I'm different, I do have value just as God made me. And by virtue of being Christian I stand out. I am different.

Achievement aren't bad, don't get me wrong, they just don't make the person. I don't want people to label me by them, they are fleeting. None can withstand the test of time. But instead mark me by my identity in Christ. Yeah, sometimes I'll admit I don't like the label of Jesus Freak but it is never failing, it's consistent. and a whole lot less stressful. God's got that, I got the easy part.

Number two: I don't have to do it alone. I don't have to do anything alone. God really is always with me. I may forget and I may choose to look away from Him, but everything I do he is with me, and probably doing all the work while I complain about how hard it is.

So I don't know where you are, I don't know if you're a Christian, if you even believe in God but take this for what its worth. It important to me and as obvious as it seems to be it isn't exactly easy to remember, but its an amazing thing when we do.

2008-09-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today i want to be little again.

stuck

2008-08-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

This years going to be tough. I already have a project due soon and 2 test dates planed. I have an essay to write and math problems to do tonight. I guess thats whats to be expected on the first day with 3 college level classes and 2 honors.

I'm so ready to just get through this school year. To finish with the homework, the tests, and the SATs, not to mention the cliques, the gossip, and the partying. I can't wait to get out of high school. Graduation date is totally the light at the end of the tunnel.

but when i get there i have so much to face. so much to leave.

There is so much here that I want to prolong in the next year; friendships , the freedom that comes with having my own room and the comfort of MY world, the world I know. How could I want to leave that? Why would I ever want to stray from that?

So while wanting so badly to run toward the end, I have an unbelievable desire to stop and soak up the light at this beginning of this tunnel that I am about to enter into.

Being scared of every new change and scared of all the loss has almost shaded my view from seeing all of the amazing new opportunities waiting ahead for me. There are so many new relationships to be formed, some even better than the ones i have now.

But how can I say that? How can I bear to think that the ones that are so strong now will become second best to whats in store? It hurts to even think that.

The desire for comfort has found itself in a tough battle against a new since of adventure.

new emotion

2008-08-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

We've never really been what you would call close.

We constantly have fought for everything that we have had to share our whole life, attention, the shower, the computer, really everything. But now that i have it i don't know if its quite worth it.

Today we ate lunch with my brother for the last time before he became a full fledged college student. He didn't eat anything. He said it was because he wasn't hungry but i know it was nerves. I can relate. I ate one chicken tender. one. and I felt full but I swear it's because the butterflies in my stomach were taking up so much room.

I kinda followed him around tonight at dinner, almost subconsciously. I teased him about girls and he did the same to be about guys, very sibling like. we got along. You wouldn't imagine it would take him leaving for us to show each other how much we mean to the other. I told him i would text him everyday. I probably will, for about the first month. Then the newness will wear off and the dynamics at home will become normal.

It feels like summer camp. he will be back in a week or two, but no, no he won't. This is college.

I fought back tears for about an hour this morning but after that I've been okay just kinda processing everything. But tomorrow I know it wont be as good. I can't stand to see him or my dad cry and a mixture of both is going to break me down. So tomorrow I'm planning on no mascara.

10 hours

2008-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

there are less than ten hours left.
ten hours left until my brother goes to college.
ten hours till basically my brother becomes a full fledged adult. what!?
are you kidding me?
ten hours left as life with my older brother before hes gone.
ten hours till I'm the sole babysitter.
ten hours till I have my own bathroom
ten hours till his room is empty.
ten hours till he can no longer be protectively watching my every move
ten hours till I'm the center of attention.
ten hours till he lives somewhere else.
ten hours till home isn't his home anymore
ten hours till wanting to see him mean driving 3 hours
ten hours till it becomes real.
he's going to college. not cool.

the blogosphere

2008-07-31T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to lie and say i wasn't intimidated a little when i decided to get a blog, i was really pretty nervous. who was going to read my blog? and if people did would they think that my writing abilities were unfit to be a blogger? but i started one anyway dragging my best friends into making one too.
After that more and more people i knew got blogs. I love reading what they have to say, it gives me and insight into their mind. I not only love hearing what they have to say but also how they say it. each blog has a different feel. I can feel their personality coming out and i love it.

my baby

2008-07-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

She's a 16 year old sorrel mare.
I remember the day I got her like it was yesterday, I was scared to death. She was about 12 times my weight and i don't think i was even tall enough to see over her back without standing on my tip toes. It was the beginning of the school year and I skipped the whole day. We went to get pizza to celebrate, but the whole time i remember wondering if she was okay. I wanted to know if she was freaking out. I gave her a bath on that first day and i remember her whinnying for me every time i left her sight and she would quiet down when i came back.
shes always been a sweet girl, she follows me everywhere i go, unless there is food insight, I do have to admit that food usually takes priority over me. shes my baby though. the only thing i have ever had full responsibility for.

but now school has gotten overwhelming, friends take up so much more time now that we have money and cars and to get that money i am working a lot.
i see less and less of her every year. I come occasionally and a cloud of guilt follows when i know i should be out there more. So my parents have come to the conclusion that its time to sell her. I have refused to help but it would be impossible for them to sell her alone, they know nothing about her or just horses in general. So i know its best for her but i don't know if i can do it. Sell my own horse, really? its been a life long dream of mine to own a horse and i feel like i had it in my hands and now I'm throwing it out. I'm losing my baby.

The Fabulous life of a teenager (part two)

2008-07-06T20:46:00.001-07:00

My point of the glamorized view of teenagers by little girls was proven to me yesterday while babysitting. There were two little girls one was 9 and the other 5. They wanted to pretend, to play a game but to my almost amazement the game that they wanted to play was to be teenagers in high school.

We all had celebraty boyfriends (the Jonas Brothers) and we went to prom. We all had pocket books and tons of jewelry. Prom started at 4 o'clock in the evening and I wore a pink tu-tu and jeans. Our life consisted of dating boys and going to fancy dances and dinners. Fabulous.

In there little girl minds prom was great, there was no grinding, no substance abuse, and defiantly NO kissing. We were way too young for kisses on the lips. we don't do that until we're at least twenty. duh! We had no homework weeks. and parents weren't an issue. 11 o clock was late and a romantic date consisted of a waltz at the Pizza Palace.

to put it simply, I had to pretend to be a 17 year old.

friends

2008-07-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last week i went on a mission trip with my youth group. This trip is notoriously the place to make new friends which is by far my favorite part. But in this you tend to not hang out with the friends that you hold the closest. You see them, vent to them, catch up but the majority of the time you are meeting new people in your work groups, small groups and just around during meals and such. This got me to thinking how much i truly love my friends. My real friends. My best friends.

These are the kind of friends who know you so well that you can't hide anything from them. These are the kinds of friends who you don't have to say a word to express how you're feeling, a hug would probably to it better anyway. You know that a hand will always be there for you to squeeze and an ear to listen. these are the friends who regularly see you in a tee-shirt and hair a mess and couldn't care less. These are the friends in which silence is never awkward, in some ways its almost comforting.

These are the friends that you know, you just know, that its going to be a life long friendship. These are the friends that know your flaws, oh so well, and still choose to call you a best friend back. These are the friends who even though you do nothing you still have fun.

these are my best friends.

the step out of my world

2008-06-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't cry, not at all. I didn't think i would but i mean it was my older brothers graduation. It hasn't set in. the fact that hes really leaving. moving somewhere else.

he's no longer a high schooler. He's 18. He's an adult. He can no longer be considered a child. Yes, he still has a lot of growing up to do but he's no longer in my world. My high school world, still hanging on to childhood by a thread.
As my dad said, this is when you have to let him go and pray they've done their job as a parent. that they have raised him well, with the values and morals they know he has. This is truly the start of his life on his own, not connected to his family. It is his turn to make a name for him self. He will now choose his own path and there is nothing we can do but watch and pray as he gets older and more mature. Visits will eventually slow down and summers home will become none existent. After this summer, my home will no longer be the place he calls "home" anymore. This is the start of a new page in his life. The start of his adulthood. I don't know how i feel about it.

let go

2008-05-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

I want to be in charge. I want control of my life. To be honest I have a hard time asking someone else to fix my problems, even if it is the Creator of the Universe. That sounds ridiculous, but its true. I know that God would do a much better job at handling my life and it would be a whole lot easier, but there is always that urge to not let go.
It's because my life is too precious to me. In my sometimes very worldly view of things I feel like it's all I've got. Yes, I know I have eternity. This is just a short chapter, a preface really, to what is to come, but I am short sighted. I see my problems and usually have a hard time seeing why my way of thinking and action isn't correct.

So, its time to let go. lose control. Ride through life with out the reins.

lyrics.

2008-05-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

i love lyrics.
and i have found my new favorite song.
it has great lyrics.

No ones been riding with me for a long while
so I'm being careful trying to watch my speed
but its getting hard to keep my eyes on the highway
knowing you re over in the passenger seat

My heart be still
I'm havin' trouble breathing
wondering if you feel
the same way that I'm feeling
cold sweat
so strange I can't play it cool

My hearts out on the limit

girl give me something to lose

influence

2008-05-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

When i was 8, teenage girls were all that i wanted to be. They were so pretty, so grown up, so perfect. They seemed to be so put together, they wore make-up. they had boy friends, they had cars, they had freedom.

Now I'm there. I'm in that stage of life that seemed to be so fantastic at such a young age. But its not as it seemed. I sometimes cry for no reason, boys confuse me, my car is purple and i usually wear very little to no make up at all. Nothing like the ideals of my childhood. School is hard. Relationships harder and finding my identity in Christ and myself is the hardest of them all.

But I love my life. I love these years. I love the the struggles, I know they are shaping molding me into the woman that i will one day be. Its okay that its not perfect. Its such a beautiful disaster.

So now i look at the little girls around me, the sweet little girls i baby sit. They must think life is great from where I stand. And really, it is. Its just not what they expect.

thats awkward.

2008-05-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Awkward moments make my life.
I am an awkward phone talker, I'm awkward when passing people in the hall and I'm really awkward around people I don't know.
yesterday, i was walking up our stadium stairs with my friend, Ashley and i tripped up the last stair. Number one, tripping is awkward. How are you supposed to respond to that? Pretend like it didn't happen?
that's probably what i would have done if the kid sitting at the top of the stairs didn't say " You tripped." Thank you, I was unaware of this fact. I am so grateful you could point this out for me. Not only that, but my friend cracked up. I mean really cracked up, and replayed the incident multiple times, and told just about everyone we knew that passed. it was awful
So we were coming back up the stairs for some reason or another when Ashley starts to talk to a friends mom. Three girls pass between them, and the man beside the woman Ashley is talking to says "Where are you going?" talking to one of the three girls. Ashley thought he was talking to her. "To my car" she says. "Oh I was talking to my daughter"
"I didn't want to talk to you anyway" and we leave. This time I cracked up. Sweet Karma. It was awkward.

one more.

2008-04-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Its the last week of lacrosse. It's been my life for the last few months and I know i have complained about it a lot, but its not hard to tell that i love it, and my team.
We wouldn't be friends with out it, we all kind of know that. But we are friends. I have made countless memories, pinky promises and have burned more calories laughing than running (okay so maybe that's an exaggeration, we run a lot). I love these girls. I'm going to miss our daily conversations while running laps, crowded bus rides, d-gate (our defense), and cheers. I'm their "crazy legs", they are my team.
But with the end of lacrosse i get my old life back. I get small groups. i get free time. I get leadership team. I get family dinners. I get a normal sleeping schedule. I no longer have scared and bruised legs (big plus.)
I'm really not sure how to feel. I'm going to miss it... a lot. but finally i get to return to my less-hectic life.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

2008-04-12T07:29:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb

90 percent

2008-04-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

I've been told i look like her since i was about 7. Sandra bullock has in many cases become a synonym for my name. I have even had a friend's family know me as nothing other than Sandra Bullock. They would be talking and someone would say Christin and no one else would understand who it was until someone said Sandra bullock.
Knowing this i could have guessed who my celebrity match was going to be, but i didn't realize that it was going to be a 90% percent match. That's crazy. 90%. Our eyes were the exact same. But I smiled she didn't. bummer. here's my morph.

lacrosse

2008-04-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

its pretty much all i talk about from the beginning of February till the end of April. I apologize for this by the way especially to my best friends whom i know don't really care, i mean i don't blame them. I can't help it though, its like word vomit. I can't keep it in. I love it so much and not to mention it takes up my entire life during the season. I truly need to warn people not to bring it up because i know i will talk your ear off, i just cant help it.
Maybe it's because there is nothing else in my life during this time, i have nothing else to talk about . Or maybe i just get so excited about it that i want everyone else to be excited about it. i don't know but this is my written warning. Don't ask about unless you truly want to hear EVERYTHING about lacrosse. So i am sorry. ill try harder. i just want you to love it like i do.

the story to the title

2008-03-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

If you have ever been horse back riding you know that the reins are essentially to controlling where you are going and help keep you on the horse.
But if you ride horses regularly you probably have tried at least once or twice to ride with out them to see if your horse was well behaved enough, to see if you were skilled enough or whatever. The truth is, is that it usually doesn't work. You end up going in a direction that you were not expecting to go in and have no way of gaining. This creates a huge feeling of vulnerability and complete dependence on the horse. In most situations this is not a favorable feeling but in a walk with Christ this is ideal. Completely out of control. Vulnerable and sometimes completely blindsided but knowing that the one leading you has only the best in store. so we sit most of the time trying hard to gain control, get rid of this vulnerability and fear of the unknown when really that's the beauty of the life as a christian. We have no control and that's how its supposed to be. All we have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.