stuck

This years going to be tough. I already have a project due soon and 2 test dates planed. I have an essay to write and math problems to do tonight. I guess thats whats to be expected on the first day with 3 college level classes and 2 honors.

I'm so ready to just get through this school year. To finish with the homework, the tests, and the SATs, not to mention the cliques, the gossip, and the partying. I can't wait to get out of high school. Graduation date is totally the light at the end of the tunnel.

but when i get there i have so much to face. so much to leave.

There is so much here that I want to prolong in the next year; friendships , the freedom that comes with having my own room and the comfort of MY world, the world I know. How could I want to leave that? Why would I ever want to stray from that?

So while wanting so badly to run toward the end, I have an unbelievable desire to stop and soak up the light at this beginning of this tunnel that I am about to enter into.

Being scared of every new change and scared of all the loss has almost shaded my view from seeing all of the amazing new opportunities waiting ahead for me. There are so many new relationships to be formed, some even better than the ones i have now.

But how can I say that? How can I bear to think that the ones that are so strong now will become second best to whats in store? It hurts to even think that.

The desire for comfort has found itself in a tough battle against a new since of adventure.

new emotion

We've never really been what you would call close.

We constantly have fought for everything that we have had to share our whole life, attention, the shower, the computer, really everything. But now that i have it i don't know if its quite worth it.



Today we ate lunch with my brother for the last time before he became a full fledged college student. He didn't eat anything. He said it was because he wasn't hungry but i know it was nerves. I can relate. I ate one chicken tender. one. and I felt full but I swear it's because the butterflies in my stomach were taking up so much room.

I kinda followed him around tonight at dinner, almost subconsciously. I teased him about girls and he did the same to be about guys, very sibling like. we got along. You wouldn't imagine it would take him leaving for us to show each other how much we mean to the other. I told him i would text him everyday. I probably will, for about the first month. Then the newness will wear off and the dynamics at home will become normal.

It feels like summer camp. he will be back in a week or two, but no, no he won't. This is college.



I fought back tears for about an hour this morning but after that I've been okay just kinda processing everything. But tomorrow I know it wont be as good. I can't stand to see him or my dad cry and a mixture of both is going to break me down. So tomorrow I'm planning on no mascara.

10 hours

there are less than ten hours left.
ten hours left until my brother goes to college.
ten hours till basically my brother becomes a full fledged adult. what!?
are you kidding me?
ten hours left as life with my older brother before hes gone.
ten hours till I'm the sole babysitter.
ten hours till I have my own bathroom
ten hours till his room is empty.
ten hours till he can no longer be protectively watching my every move
ten hours till I'm the center of attention.
ten hours till he lives somewhere else.
ten hours till home isn't his home anymore
ten hours till wanting to see him mean driving 3 hours
ten hours till it becomes real.
he's going to college. not cool.