stuck

This years going to be tough. I already have a project due soon and 2 test dates planed. I have an essay to write and math problems to do tonight. I guess thats whats to be expected on the first day with 3 college level classes and 2 honors.

I'm so ready to just get through this school year. To finish with the homework, the tests, and the SATs, not to mention the cliques, the gossip, and the partying. I can't wait to get out of high school. Graduation date is totally the light at the end of the tunnel.

but when i get there i have so much to face. so much to leave.

There is so much here that I want to prolong in the next year; friendships , the freedom that comes with having my own room and the comfort of MY world, the world I know. How could I want to leave that? Why would I ever want to stray from that?

So while wanting so badly to run toward the end, I have an unbelievable desire to stop and soak up the light at this beginning of this tunnel that I am about to enter into.

Being scared of every new change and scared of all the loss has almost shaded my view from seeing all of the amazing new opportunities waiting ahead for me. There are so many new relationships to be formed, some even better than the ones i have now.

But how can I say that? How can I bear to think that the ones that are so strong now will become second best to whats in store? It hurts to even think that.

The desire for comfort has found itself in a tough battle against a new since of adventure.

new emotion

We've never really been what you would call close.

We constantly have fought for everything that we have had to share our whole life, attention, the shower, the computer, really everything. But now that i have it i don't know if its quite worth it.



Today we ate lunch with my brother for the last time before he became a full fledged college student. He didn't eat anything. He said it was because he wasn't hungry but i know it was nerves. I can relate. I ate one chicken tender. one. and I felt full but I swear it's because the butterflies in my stomach were taking up so much room.

I kinda followed him around tonight at dinner, almost subconsciously. I teased him about girls and he did the same to be about guys, very sibling like. we got along. You wouldn't imagine it would take him leaving for us to show each other how much we mean to the other. I told him i would text him everyday. I probably will, for about the first month. Then the newness will wear off and the dynamics at home will become normal.

It feels like summer camp. he will be back in a week or two, but no, no he won't. This is college.



I fought back tears for about an hour this morning but after that I've been okay just kinda processing everything. But tomorrow I know it wont be as good. I can't stand to see him or my dad cry and a mixture of both is going to break me down. So tomorrow I'm planning on no mascara.

10 hours

there are less than ten hours left.
ten hours left until my brother goes to college.
ten hours till basically my brother becomes a full fledged adult. what!?
are you kidding me?
ten hours left as life with my older brother before hes gone.
ten hours till I'm the sole babysitter.
ten hours till I have my own bathroom
ten hours till his room is empty.
ten hours till he can no longer be protectively watching my every move
ten hours till I'm the center of attention.
ten hours till he lives somewhere else.
ten hours till home isn't his home anymore
ten hours till wanting to see him mean driving 3 hours
ten hours till it becomes real.
he's going to college. not cool.

the blogosphere

I'm not going to lie and say i wasn't intimidated a little when i decided to get a blog, i was really pretty nervous. who was going to read my blog? and if people did would they think that my writing abilities were unfit to be a blogger? but i started one anyway dragging my best friends into making one too.
After that more and more people i knew got blogs. I love reading what they have to say, it gives me and insight into their mind. I not only love hearing what they have to say but also how they say it. each blog has a different feel. I can feel their personality coming out and i love it.

my baby

She's a 16 year old sorrel mare.
I remember the day I got her like it was yesterday, I was scared to death. She was about 12 times my weight and i don't think i was even tall enough to see over her back without standing on my tip toes. It was the beginning of the school year and I skipped the whole day. We went to get pizza to celebrate, but the whole time i remember wondering if she was okay. I wanted to know if she was freaking out. I gave her a bath on that first day and i remember her whinnying for me every time i left her sight and she would quiet down when i came back.
shes always been a sweet girl, she follows me everywhere i go, unless there is food insight, I do have to admit that food usually takes priority over me. shes my baby though. the only thing i have ever had full responsibility for.

but now school has gotten overwhelming, friends take up so much more time now that we have money and cars and to get that money i am working a lot.
i see less and less of her every year. I come occasionally and a cloud of guilt follows when i know i should be out there more. So my parents have come to the conclusion that its time to sell her. I have refused to help but it would be impossible for them to sell her alone, they know nothing about her or just horses in general. So i know its best for her but i don't know if i can do it. Sell my own horse, really? its been a life long dream of mine to own a horse and i feel like i had it in my hands and now I'm throwing it out. I'm losing my baby.

The Fabulous life of a teenager (part two)

My point of the glamorized view of teenagers by little girls was proven to me yesterday while babysitting. There were two little girls one was 9 and the other 5. They wanted to pretend, to play a game but to my almost amazement the game that they wanted to play was to be teenagers in high school.

We all had celebraty boyfriends (the Jonas Brothers) and we went to prom. We all had pocket books and tons of jewelry. Prom started at 4 o'clock in the evening and I wore a pink tu-tu and jeans. Our life consisted of dating boys and going to fancy dances and dinners. Fabulous.

In there little girl minds prom was great, there was no grinding, no substance abuse, and defiantly NO kissing. We were way too young for kisses on the lips. we don't do that until we're at least twenty. duh! We had no homework weeks. and parents weren't an issue. 11 o clock was late and a romantic date consisted of a waltz at the Pizza Palace.



to put it simply, I had to pretend to be a 17 year old.

friends

Last week i went on a mission trip with my youth group. This trip is notoriously the place to make new friends which is by far my favorite part. But in this you tend to not hang out with the friends that you hold the closest. You see them, vent to them, catch up but the majority of the time you are meeting new people in your work groups, small groups and just around during meals and such. This got me to thinking how much i truly love my friends. My real friends. My best friends.

These are the kind of friends who know you so well that you can't hide anything from them. These are the kinds of friends who you don't have to say a word to express how you're feeling, a hug would probably to it better anyway. You know that a hand will always be there for you to squeeze and an ear to listen. these are the friends who regularly see you in a tee-shirt and hair a mess and couldn't care less. These are the friends in which silence is never awkward, in some ways its almost comforting.

These are the friends that you know, you just know, that its going to be a life long friendship. These are the friends that know your flaws, oh so well, and still choose to call you a best friend back. These are the friends who even though you do nothing you still have fun.

these are my best friends.