come on in.

It was the end to a whirlwind of a summer. 

Just days before my two week trip to the beach, buying last minute supplies for my friends trip to California.

I sat shaking in her car outside of Wal-mart, scared to death to do what God had apparently set on my heart to do that night. Sharing my story wasn't something I did regularly, and definitely not to the extent which I felt led to do that night. There really isn't reason for that kind of detail in most cases, but apparently it was a step I needed to take. 

I gave in. I shared, everything. It was terrifying, would they see me as I had for so long and sometimes still do? Would they think of me differently?

It was a step i needed to take to show myself that as logical as the devil had made it seem it was totally insane to think the way i have. i needed to let to go of my past. This was a step. 

so that summer night i let the walls of my heart down for a little bit. I let them in.

itunes

dear itunes,

I would like to inform you of a problem I am having.

you see after buying some new songs (most of them Shane & Shane) I went back to my library to look at the over 1000 songs I was supposed to have. Here comes the problem. I had four songs. yes four, that was it. The four new songs I had just bought. 

No, I wasn't in the recently purchased section. And yes, I did click show all songs. 

now you see the problem. 

my music is gone. all of it.

please help. 

sincerely,

Chrsitin

enjoy

So a few weeks ago I rode my horse with my friend Megan. It reminded me why I love horseback riding. 

When we rode this time we rode bareback, without a saddle and in a way kinda without the restraints. 

We used to race all the time, but this was the first time in a long time. 

We started at the bottom of the hill and I could feel logan holding back. Her hooves started to prance and she threw her head. My hands were starting to hurt from holding the reins tight, she was ready to go. Megan went first, and then I let her go. I didn't have to do a thing, I hardly had to loosen my grip before she was flying. Leaning forward my hands gripped her mane doing anything to stay on. In about 5 seconds we had gotten to the fence I grabbed the reins and straightened up, her back legs flew up into a buck, an attempt to keep running. She felt good, that competitive streak I knew she had, was blindingly obvious at this point. We finally stopped only a few short feet from the fence. Out of breath, me and megan babbled about how crazy that was. Its an adrenaline rush like nothing else, there is no way to have complete control of the situation. Like I said in the first post I wrote, sometimes its a good thing to let go of the control for a second, to just enjoy the ride. 

oh eight

I feel like its mandatory to right one post one the very last day of the year summing it up. 

But honestly I don't think there is a word for the year that I have had. 

I have cried more genuine tears, and laughed till my stomach hurt more this year than any past.

I have built so many amazing new relationships but lost some that were hurting.

I have dealt with some of the hardest things but have experienced some of the most rewarding. 

I have begun to plan for the future and forget the past.

17. I always thought it was a throw away year. just kinda stuck between two big ones. But I was wrong. so so wrong. 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, from my family to yours.

running hard

 

why can't I make everything alright?

why can't I fix everything?

It has never been this hard to trust God to handle something. I guess that's because I have never had something this big that I had to give to him. 

Never have I come to God so confused and so angry, and I am so thankful that I do not have to make myself presentable to him because right now it is all I can do to come to him. 

I am welcomed with open arms even when all I want to do is yell. It is hard to imagine why God wants us to come to him even in a state like that, his love really is unfathomable.

So the moral of this poorly written emotional overflow is come running, messy with real emotion into his arms, He is ready for you.

Today I just want to write.

I need to write. There is nothing in particular that I have in mind, no major revelations today.  

All I know is I have butterflies, and they won't seem to go away. Maybe they are from anxiety about the future, maybe from the excitement of a new relationship, maybe a little resentment of a precious relationship that is falling. I don't know but apparently  they have made my stomach their new home.