i think it deserves a post...

In the last two and a half weeks I have been to the doctor 8 times. That is just about every other day. I have two doctors appointments scheduled in the next ten days. Me and the nurse are pretty much on first name basis. 

Lets start from the beginning, indoor lacrosse, I am playing defense  with less than 5 minutes till the practice is over. I take a sharp turn to the left, everything but the bottom of my leg turns. The next thing I know I am down and all I can say is "It hurts so bad!". Coaches come over they get a little worried when i say its my knee but I can bend it a little so they say it can't be a ligament. I hobble off and drive home. I ice it and limp around for a week and a half. It must just be twisted, it will be fine. The doctor says "its not your ACL so thats good, you probably just twisted it. Go to an orthopedic doctor if you aren't better in a week. Ice it." 

A week passes I go to the doctor. He says "I think its your ACL... you need an MRI" My heart drops. My lacrosse career could be over. I was stunned and completely bummed. 

Three days later I get an MRI. My ACL is completely torn. Lacrosse is over. Surgery. Recovery. Crutches. oh great. I meet with a surgeon who says that its kind of urgent that we do this surgery how about in two days? What! Well, okay. 

Surgery goes great, exactly how they planned. Good good. I am completely out out for three days. The couch became my permeant home. Popping pain pills every 6 hours the first two days which cause nausea for three. Using crutches to get to the bathroom. So many flowers and candies. Make up  work out the wazooh. A lot of sleeping. Doctors appointment the day after the surgery and everything looks good. sweet. School with crutches, not fun... at all. Loose the crutches today, settle with a pretty bad limp, more of a drag. Doctors appointment today.

Not fun. Surgeon says "oh lets see lets straighten your leg. Uh oh, its not getting too straight I'll do it." I think that is the worst pain I have had through this whole experience.

"Looks like maybe we should drain your knee." Again, not fun. 

"okay, well I am going to stick this huge needle in your capillaries, its not going to feel good but don't worry it won't hurt me at all" He sticks the needle into my joints for what felt like a year but was probably really a good 2 minutes moving it around while his arm shook because of the pressure he was applying to the syringe. "okay we're done" He lifts up a half full inch and a half in diameter syringe.  "That was in your knee."  Sick. 

yep, pain pill would be great right now.

So that has been my ACL experience up to this point. Now I think I will go work on straightening my leg before I go to Physical therapy and they do it for me...

come on in.

It was the end to a whirlwind of a summer. 

Just days before my two week trip to the beach, buying last minute supplies for my friends trip to California.

I sat shaking in her car outside of Wal-mart, scared to death to do what God had apparently set on my heart to do that night. Sharing my story wasn't something I did regularly, and definitely not to the extent which I felt led to do that night. There really isn't reason for that kind of detail in most cases, but apparently it was a step I needed to take. 

I gave in. I shared, everything. It was terrifying, would they see me as I had for so long and sometimes still do? Would they think of me differently?

It was a step i needed to take to show myself that as logical as the devil had made it seem it was totally insane to think the way i have. i needed to let to go of my past. This was a step. 

so that summer night i let the walls of my heart down for a little bit. I let them in.

itunes

dear itunes,

I would like to inform you of a problem I am having.

you see after buying some new songs (most of them Shane & Shane) I went back to my library to look at the over 1000 songs I was supposed to have. Here comes the problem. I had four songs. yes four, that was it. The four new songs I had just bought. 

No, I wasn't in the recently purchased section. And yes, I did click show all songs. 

now you see the problem. 

my music is gone. all of it.

please help. 

sincerely,

Chrsitin

enjoy

So a few weeks ago I rode my horse with my friend Megan. It reminded me why I love horseback riding. 

When we rode this time we rode bareback, without a saddle and in a way kinda without the restraints. 

We used to race all the time, but this was the first time in a long time. 

We started at the bottom of the hill and I could feel logan holding back. Her hooves started to prance and she threw her head. My hands were starting to hurt from holding the reins tight, she was ready to go. Megan went first, and then I let her go. I didn't have to do a thing, I hardly had to loosen my grip before she was flying. Leaning forward my hands gripped her mane doing anything to stay on. In about 5 seconds we had gotten to the fence I grabbed the reins and straightened up, her back legs flew up into a buck, an attempt to keep running. She felt good, that competitive streak I knew she had, was blindingly obvious at this point. We finally stopped only a few short feet from the fence. Out of breath, me and megan babbled about how crazy that was. Its an adrenaline rush like nothing else, there is no way to have complete control of the situation. Like I said in the first post I wrote, sometimes its a good thing to let go of the control for a second, to just enjoy the ride. 

oh eight

I feel like its mandatory to right one post one the very last day of the year summing it up. 

But honestly I don't think there is a word for the year that I have had. 

I have cried more genuine tears, and laughed till my stomach hurt more this year than any past.

I have built so many amazing new relationships but lost some that were hurting.

I have dealt with some of the hardest things but have experienced some of the most rewarding. 

I have begun to plan for the future and forget the past.

17. I always thought it was a throw away year. just kinda stuck between two big ones. But I was wrong. so so wrong. 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, from my family to yours.

running hard

 

why can't I make everything alright?

why can't I fix everything?

It has never been this hard to trust God to handle something. I guess that's because I have never had something this big that I had to give to him. 

Never have I come to God so confused and so angry, and I am so thankful that I do not have to make myself presentable to him because right now it is all I can do to come to him. 

I am welcomed with open arms even when all I want to do is yell. It is hard to imagine why God wants us to come to him even in a state like that, his love really is unfathomable.

So the moral of this poorly written emotional overflow is come running, messy with real emotion into his arms, He is ready for you.