so hey.

This weekend it finally clicked.

Jesus is MY friend. Jesus loves me. Jesus is more important.

more important than check lists and to-do's.

more important than reading my Bible

more important than how I act

more important than how I worship

more important than what people think

As daunting as this fact seems it was so relieving. Its always been in the back of my head but its never been in my heart. Although I knew I shouldn't try and earn the love of one who promised to never take His love away, I would still try.

That's the way I am used to getting things. I earn them, I don't like to just be given them. This posed a problem because as much as I tried I would NEVER earn Jesus' love. It was a gift and although I accepted that gift I felt it was my duty to repay. But I could never repay in-full and this constant underlying desire to do so just caused disappointment in myself for my being unsuccessful in this attempt I was only vaguely aware of.

But heres the good news this weekend I realized I am wrong, so very wrong in my attempts. I can just accept. Nothing is required from this gift. And guess what, Jesus is real and He's not just your conscience telling you when you've done wrong. He's a loving caring comforting awesome friend who walks every step with you. yep, if you have accepted him as your lord and savior he's right there beside you. Sometimes I feel like I just want to turn around and give Him a little hug. :)

So where does the whole 'do good' thing come from? I thought the Bible tells you to give to the poor and love the unlovable? How are those not things on the list of things to do?

This is how, we do in response to what has been done to us. Take for example the statement that we should love the unloveable. Doesn't the Bible love as you have been loved? ... 'been loved' thats what we have received and this isn't a repay kinda thing its a 'I have experienced this awesome thing and I want others to also experience it' kinda thing.

Take for example of the man in debtors' prison from the Bible. The one to whom he owed thousands and thousands of dollars to let him go without any repayment, and on the way out of jail the newly freed man met a man who owed him far less money. What did the man do? He threw this man in debtors' prison. How could he do that when he had just experienced being set free? Exactly. He wouldn't. That's the point, he would let him off just as he had been let off, thats why we want to do things just as love the unloveable and give to the poor.

We were loved by an amazing love and given unbelievable riches that we don't deserve.

So hey, this whole loving jesus thing, is AWESOME.

my snapshots.

There are just those little moments that stick you, those images so detailed and so precise that just the thought of them can cojure up the exact emotions of the actual moment. 
here are some of my snapshots. they probably won't mean anything to you but you know you have those snapshots of your own.

a game gone wrong
he was green and blue. 
shaking and out of control. 
6 seconds of pure terror. 
too much helium too little oxygen. 
thinking this isn't a joke anymore.

he had his red hood up. 
and his elbows on his knees.
in straight stare.
sitting under a tall table.
it was the beginning of a very tough year.
we could hear friends talking and bowling pins falling
but nothing felt right



my loving grandma with good news "the baby was here".
i look at her with my messy hair and a night gown from a good nights rest.
the room flooding with light through the huge windows in the foyer of our small house.
pure excitment as I learned my baby brother was born.

brainstorming

 I want to make shampoo. . . I want to be a chemical engineer. kind of.

I like math. I like chemistry. I like sciences.

I like a good challenge and the thrill of the accomplishment.

But what impact would i have, what kind of effect would making make-up and shampoo have? How could that help people? 

I want to help someone. 

I want to make an impact.

I want to help kids. Kids who need the basic necessities that I take for granted everyday.

Instead of thinking how can I benefit from this job I want to instead think how can use this job to love others as I have been loved?

How menial does it sound now to even think about wasting my time improving shampoo when I could improve living conditions?

entitlement

So just recently I have backed out of my current rooming situation for the fall. It was a very good choice for me, but in turn left me room-less, and roommate-less as well as leaving the girl I  was going to room with without a roommate also. 

This decision took a lot of tears, and a few panic attacks but I feel like through some words of others it is what God was telling me was best. 

Cool, I'm doing what God wants me to, that's great right?

Yeah it is, but the main reason I though so was because for some reason I wasn't at all stressed about with whom or where I was going to be now living in the fall. I trusted that God had a plan, after all He was the one who told me I shouldn't room where I was rooming. That makes sense. But here is the wrong part. I felt that God, since I had followed his path was going to lead me to one that was exactly what I would want, I was going to room where I want with a roommate I would love. Thats what I deserved.  Making that decision was hard and took a lot of pain, shouldn't I be rewarded. I felt that I was entitled to something that was pleasing to me for doing something that was pleasing to Him. 

Let's get this straight. God, let me say that again, The God Of The Freaking UNIVERSE, does not owe me anything. I am not entitled to getting my way, I don't deserve a reward for following Him, which really is a reward in and of itself. How silly it is to think God owes us. 

All of this is not to say that God doesn't reward those who follow Him, He does. It is promised in His word, but it is more to say that I have no right to expect God to deliver when and where I think He should. The room and roommate he delivers will be exactly what he wants them to be and exactly what he knows I need, even if that is maybe a tough freshman year switching around rooms. He will follow His perfect plan, not my short-sighted, faulty plan. 

who knew a warm-up could turn out so beautifully?

This last week we have been studying a unit in Spanish about careers and words associated with jobs and so on. One of our warm up assignment was to say what we wanted to be when we "grew up." That growing up really starts next year though, doesn't it?

As normal, we went around the room and reviewed our responses and after we did I realized something, everyone wanted to be something great, something that was full of passion or helped others. Well yeah, no one wants to become the corrupt businessman or the guy in jail but it was just like when we were little kids, we still want to be doctors, teachers, actors. . . Will we all become the life saving doctor or the Broadway actor? No, probably not, but the sincerity that these nearly adults showed through their dreams and aspirations was, simply, beautiful. Its hard to see now-a-days that there is still belief that you can truly be anything you want with hard work. It was so good to see. Recently I have felt that the world has told us rising college freshman to choose something safe, follow a path that will not fail.  It was good to see that determination to be something great. 

i think it deserves a post...

In the last two and a half weeks I have been to the doctor 8 times. That is just about every other day. I have two doctors appointments scheduled in the next ten days. Me and the nurse are pretty much on first name basis. 

Lets start from the beginning, indoor lacrosse, I am playing defense  with less than 5 minutes till the practice is over. I take a sharp turn to the left, everything but the bottom of my leg turns. The next thing I know I am down and all I can say is "It hurts so bad!". Coaches come over they get a little worried when i say its my knee but I can bend it a little so they say it can't be a ligament. I hobble off and drive home. I ice it and limp around for a week and a half. It must just be twisted, it will be fine. The doctor says "its not your ACL so thats good, you probably just twisted it. Go to an orthopedic doctor if you aren't better in a week. Ice it." 

A week passes I go to the doctor. He says "I think its your ACL... you need an MRI" My heart drops. My lacrosse career could be over. I was stunned and completely bummed. 

Three days later I get an MRI. My ACL is completely torn. Lacrosse is over. Surgery. Recovery. Crutches. oh great. I meet with a surgeon who says that its kind of urgent that we do this surgery how about in two days? What! Well, okay. 

Surgery goes great, exactly how they planned. Good good. I am completely out out for three days. The couch became my permeant home. Popping pain pills every 6 hours the first two days which cause nausea for three. Using crutches to get to the bathroom. So many flowers and candies. Make up  work out the wazooh. A lot of sleeping. Doctors appointment the day after the surgery and everything looks good. sweet. School with crutches, not fun... at all. Loose the crutches today, settle with a pretty bad limp, more of a drag. Doctors appointment today.

Not fun. Surgeon says "oh lets see lets straighten your leg. Uh oh, its not getting too straight I'll do it." I think that is the worst pain I have had through this whole experience.

"Looks like maybe we should drain your knee." Again, not fun. 

"okay, well I am going to stick this huge needle in your capillaries, its not going to feel good but don't worry it won't hurt me at all" He sticks the needle into my joints for what felt like a year but was probably really a good 2 minutes moving it around while his arm shook because of the pressure he was applying to the syringe. "okay we're done" He lifts up a half full inch and a half in diameter syringe.  "That was in your knee."  Sick. 

yep, pain pill would be great right now.

So that has been my ACL experience up to this point. Now I think I will go work on straightening my leg before I go to Physical therapy and they do it for me...

come on in.

It was the end to a whirlwind of a summer. 

Just days before my two week trip to the beach, buying last minute supplies for my friends trip to California.

I sat shaking in her car outside of Wal-mart, scared to death to do what God had apparently set on my heart to do that night. Sharing my story wasn't something I did regularly, and definitely not to the extent which I felt led to do that night. There really isn't reason for that kind of detail in most cases, but apparently it was a step I needed to take. 

I gave in. I shared, everything. It was terrifying, would they see me as I had for so long and sometimes still do? Would they think of me differently?

It was a step i needed to take to show myself that as logical as the devil had made it seem it was totally insane to think the way i have. i needed to let to go of my past. This was a step. 

so that summer night i let the walls of my heart down for a little bit. I let them in.