oh eight

I feel like its mandatory to right one post one the very last day of the year summing it up. 

But honestly I don't think there is a word for the year that I have had. 

I have cried more genuine tears, and laughed till my stomach hurt more this year than any past.

I have built so many amazing new relationships but lost some that were hurting.

I have dealt with some of the hardest things but have experienced some of the most rewarding. 

I have begun to plan for the future and forget the past.

17. I always thought it was a throw away year. just kinda stuck between two big ones. But I was wrong. so so wrong. 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, from my family to yours.

running hard

 

why can't I make everything alright?

why can't I fix everything?

It has never been this hard to trust God to handle something. I guess that's because I have never had something this big that I had to give to him. 

Never have I come to God so confused and so angry, and I am so thankful that I do not have to make myself presentable to him because right now it is all I can do to come to him. 

I am welcomed with open arms even when all I want to do is yell. It is hard to imagine why God wants us to come to him even in a state like that, his love really is unfathomable.

So the moral of this poorly written emotional overflow is come running, messy with real emotion into his arms, He is ready for you.

Today I just want to write.

I need to write. There is nothing in particular that I have in mind, no major revelations today.  

All I know is I have butterflies, and they won't seem to go away. Maybe they are from anxiety about the future, maybe from the excitement of a new relationship, maybe a little resentment of a precious relationship that is falling. I don't know but apparently  they have made my stomach their new home.

"I wish you freedom

I wish you peace

I wish you nights of stars that beckon you to sleep

I wish I could be there

but I can't"

The acceptance letters have started coming along with the realization that this is our last year together. Charlotte isn't that far away but its a whole lot further than 2 miles.

218 days.

Change is so scary sometimes. It strips away the comfort of the known.
It's effects are hard to control, and I will readily admit I like control.
So the same fear is still ahead of me. College. Easily the biggest change of my life and as of tonight, other than the decision making process, college is out of my hands. Applications will be done, grades submitted. There is nothing left I can do to control where I get in. There is nothing I have left to do to.
The rest of my life, my life on my own, is laying right in front of me.

218 days till graduation. The count down has begun.

my day.

Today was Page-Grimsley. It was a completely crazy day. (At this very moment I am speaking to the amazing Spencer Vaughn who is trying to console and trying to stop my shaking.)
Okay so lets start at about 3:00pm today at school. We were having our annual pep rally before the big rivalry game. It started off all fun, until fight broke out behind me. Me, along with just about every other senior in the stands, was quickly shoved off the stadium stairs. Not a good feeling. Administrators pushed passed and within minutes the fight seemed under control, then our attention was drawn to the opposite side of the gym. Another fight had broken out. This fight soon enough moved to the center of the gym where the performances had once been going on. Just as soon as this fight was there had hundred, yes hundreds of people joined it. I did as I was told and quickly walked out side with all of the other students who felt that maybe a huge brawl isn't exactly what we need during a pep rally. I went home a bit shaken up and eventually calmed down.
Then I went to the Page-Grimsley game where of course Page kicked some butt and had a great time. I heard that apparently there was to be a party in my neighborhood and honestly had no desire to go and no possible way of going either because I was supposed to watch my little brothers. So, instead four of my friends came over and we watched drum line while my little brothers slept. We drank sprites and doctor pepper and ate oreos. pretty harmless. We step out of my house to see two police cars. I wasn't nervous, we had done nothing wrong. I got a little more nervous when a man with a flashlight came out of the wood. It was the police man.
He questioned us saying that he smelled weed. When I heard the other cop talking about the party down the street I immediately said we had nothing to do with it. Not a good idea to deny something you haven't been accused of. I was defensive, in the most polite way possible, but still I couldn't stop saying "I promise we didn't smoke, you can test me." "I promise this" "I promise that" apparently you shouldn't be defensive. I learned this later. Everything that could be wrong was, my parents we out of town, my brothers and their friends have a fort with beer bottles in it ( not sure why) that the police saw and I had to explain what it was. Not exactly an easy task.
They eventually let us go, not believing us at all.
I hate that they don't believe me, I honestly did nothing wrong. I told them that but tactics for convincing someone of the truth aren't exactly optimal for a cop.

What I learned tonight, answer direct questions and don't try to convince them that you didn't do anything wrong because they won't believe you.