oh eight

I feel like its mandatory to right one post one the very last day of the year summing it up. 

But honestly I don't think there is a word for the year that I have had. 

I have cried more genuine tears, and laughed till my stomach hurt more this year than any past.

I have built so many amazing new relationships but lost some that were hurting.

I have dealt with some of the hardest things but have experienced some of the most rewarding. 

I have begun to plan for the future and forget the past.

17. I always thought it was a throw away year. just kinda stuck between two big ones. But I was wrong. so so wrong. 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, from my family to yours.

running hard

 

why can't I make everything alright?

why can't I fix everything?

It has never been this hard to trust God to handle something. I guess that's because I have never had something this big that I had to give to him. 

Never have I come to God so confused and so angry, and I am so thankful that I do not have to make myself presentable to him because right now it is all I can do to come to him. 

I am welcomed with open arms even when all I want to do is yell. It is hard to imagine why God wants us to come to him even in a state like that, his love really is unfathomable.

So the moral of this poorly written emotional overflow is come running, messy with real emotion into his arms, He is ready for you.

Today I just want to write.

I need to write. There is nothing in particular that I have in mind, no major revelations today.  

All I know is I have butterflies, and they won't seem to go away. Maybe they are from anxiety about the future, maybe from the excitement of a new relationship, maybe a little resentment of a precious relationship that is falling. I don't know but apparently  they have made my stomach their new home.

"I wish you freedom

I wish you peace

I wish you nights of stars that beckon you to sleep

I wish I could be there

but I can't"

The acceptance letters have started coming along with the realization that this is our last year together. Charlotte isn't that far away but its a whole lot further than 2 miles.

218 days.

Change is so scary sometimes. It strips away the comfort of the known.
It's effects are hard to control, and I will readily admit I like control.
So the same fear is still ahead of me. College. Easily the biggest change of my life and as of tonight, other than the decision making process, college is out of my hands. Applications will be done, grades submitted. There is nothing left I can do to control where I get in. There is nothing I have left to do to.
The rest of my life, my life on my own, is laying right in front of me.

218 days till graduation. The count down has begun.

my day.

Today was Page-Grimsley. It was a completely crazy day. (At this very moment I am speaking to the amazing Spencer Vaughn who is trying to console and trying to stop my shaking.)
Okay so lets start at about 3:00pm today at school. We were having our annual pep rally before the big rivalry game. It started off all fun, until fight broke out behind me. Me, along with just about every other senior in the stands, was quickly shoved off the stadium stairs. Not a good feeling. Administrators pushed passed and within minutes the fight seemed under control, then our attention was drawn to the opposite side of the gym. Another fight had broken out. This fight soon enough moved to the center of the gym where the performances had once been going on. Just as soon as this fight was there had hundred, yes hundreds of people joined it. I did as I was told and quickly walked out side with all of the other students who felt that maybe a huge brawl isn't exactly what we need during a pep rally. I went home a bit shaken up and eventually calmed down.
Then I went to the Page-Grimsley game where of course Page kicked some butt and had a great time. I heard that apparently there was to be a party in my neighborhood and honestly had no desire to go and no possible way of going either because I was supposed to watch my little brothers. So, instead four of my friends came over and we watched drum line while my little brothers slept. We drank sprites and doctor pepper and ate oreos. pretty harmless. We step out of my house to see two police cars. I wasn't nervous, we had done nothing wrong. I got a little more nervous when a man with a flashlight came out of the wood. It was the police man.
He questioned us saying that he smelled weed. When I heard the other cop talking about the party down the street I immediately said we had nothing to do with it. Not a good idea to deny something you haven't been accused of. I was defensive, in the most polite way possible, but still I couldn't stop saying "I promise we didn't smoke, you can test me." "I promise this" "I promise that" apparently you shouldn't be defensive. I learned this later. Everything that could be wrong was, my parents we out of town, my brothers and their friends have a fort with beer bottles in it ( not sure why) that the police saw and I had to explain what it was. Not exactly an easy task.
They eventually let us go, not believing us at all.
I hate that they don't believe me, I honestly did nothing wrong. I told them that but tactics for convincing someone of the truth aren't exactly optimal for a cop.

What I learned tonight, answer direct questions and don't try to convince them that you didn't do anything wrong because they won't believe you.

sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't want you to come to the game. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I think you are probably the person whose feelings are the ones I would most like to protect. I promise I really do like to spend time with you. no joke.
I know you don't understand my reasoning, I guess that's understandable. I learned today in Psychology class that teens brains really don't work quite right; that we use the emotion and instinctual parts of our brains more where a fully developed adult uses the logic part more. So one day I too will not understand the irrational decisions I make now. So i just want you to know that I'm sorry for my stupid decisions and even more sorry I hurt your feelings.

dragging

Everyone has it.
Baggage from past relationships, situations or mistakes. It weighs us down, keeping us from things that initially should have been easy, but having to carry what feels like suitcases full of rocks makes this simple task, a process.
We get so used to carrying this weight we sometimes don't realize how much we are dragging. It becomes part of our daily struggle. Everyday while it seems that it is getting easier, the reality is, is that we are starting to incorporate it into our life a little more, making something that is not supposed to be in our life, a normal thing.
We are faced daily with the opportunity to let it go, but sometimes once we get to the point that we realize letting it go is an option we have no idea how to function with out it. The freedom that giving it away gives scares us, we don't know how to handle it. So we hold on a little longer while keeping with this twisted sense of comfort.
But how could we logically live dragging this weight when right beside us is one who is infinitely stronger than us and is offering to take it, leaving you with nothing to carry? It seems silly, but we do it everyday.

lost and found.

So. . . good news.
God's kind of AMAZING.
I get to keep my horse. sort of. We are "loaning" her to the a family friend. They own the barn that she is boarded at and are incredible people. They know about the financial crunch that my family has been feeling and when my mom told them that we were going to have to sell/give away logan they offered to help. They are going to use her for lessons, and still allow me to ride. they make money, we save money and i get to keep my baby. I know, what could be better.
Basically God has stepped in all 9000 times we have had to almost sell her. There has to be a reason.
So thanks God. You're pretty cool.

lost dream

I don't like telling big news. This probably surprises many of you because you know that I love to tell anyone and everyone every little thing that happens in my life, but one wouldn't expect that the big things i just don't feel there is ever a right time to tell someone.
well, i guess now is a good time to tell cyber space. To many this won't matter, that's okay, its huge to me.
So at the end of the month I won't have a horse anymore. She's expensive, really expensive. I know that, I understand the reasoning. My parents are super stressed about money, the housing market sucks, meaning my dads company is sucking wind. We have no extra money, we all have to make sacrifices and I guess my horse is mine, but it really really sucks.
We are trying to sell her, but if we don't sell her, we're giving her away. So anyone looking for an exceptionally sweet quarter horse worth about one and a half grand please talk to me.
If you were to talk to me about this, I would be nonchalant as if i could care less about it, when really its really going to be hard.
Its not even that I'm losing my horse, where that is going to hurt its going to be nothing compared to the fear I have about losing a dream.
My life long plan has always involved horses, my college choice, my prospective career path, everything. What will I do with out it?
I feel like if I don't have a horse maybe I will see that I don't really need horses in my life, maybe I don't want to have horses all my life, maybe my college doesn't have to include horses.
Crap. My whole plan is shot. Where do I go now? What do I want to do with my life?

My life plan is centered around horses and if I lose that I don't know where to head. I feel like losing her is losing a dream.

good night

tonight we were real with eachother.
tonight you showed me that you needed me. tonight you asked for an opinion, a real honest opinion. I felt like it really mattered what I thought, you really took what I said to heart.
I gave you my opinion without keeping back anything. This was new, but a lot easier than expected. I gave you evidence of my faith, a faith that I know you know but I am for some reason afraid to show you. but today it was easy.
i love being sibling-like. i just wish it had happened a little earlier.
Tonight I was so proud to be your sister.

'Cowboy, take me away. Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue.'

vulnerable.

I felt like sharing my life today. I felt like being vulnerable.
I don't know where it came from but I needed to write my testimony today, to share it. It felt heavy, real. I wanted to let someone know what I have been through and what God's done, I wanted to share it today. I guess its just one of those weird days.

mothering

We ate lunch with my friends niece today. Shes completely precious, a bouncing blond little three year old. She kept us laughing all lunch, and i found myself mothering all lunch. "Rachel, I'll open that for you. Rachel, look at those beautiful shoes. Rachel, do you want your chocolate milk?" She didn't need me to help her, her uncle was there but its instinctual. Its the mother in me.
so spence, sorry.

self-rightous

I was yelled at tonight.
I felt like it kind of came out of the blue, so it hit pretty hard. Not only the fact that i was being yelled at but what was yelled hurt.
"I just tired of you being so self-righteous."
Well, shoot. Ouch. That hurts.
Being self-righteous is by definition not exactly something someone is going to admit to being. So, all night I've been denying that fact. I am not self-righteous. I am not.
But maybe I am. Maybe I'm not always right. Well, I know I'm not always right. This bothered me so much because that one self-righteous Christian can so easily turn one wandering heart away from the way-too-humble Christ.
As I heard it this weekend, "The biggest reason for Atheism is Christians."
So many Christians parade around like they are better, some how more worthy of God's love. They have been forgiven and the people who haven't found Christ yet are nothing but sin.

Nothing but sin. . . if we think that way, how, in the world, are we supposed to present Christ in a loving manner, anything in the direction of how God would. Why do so many Christians feel that just because people don't love God, God doesn't love them. Haven't we been taught of God's complete and unconditional love? In what verse does it state that His love only applies to the Christians? It doesn't. We have no more right to His love than does one who doesn't know it.

So the first step to a solution is admitting you have a problem, so here goes.
Hi, my name is Christin and sometimes I can be self-righteous.

conditional

"I would love you no matter what."

"haha, well I'm glad your love is unconditional."

"of course."

This is a conversation I had with a friend last night, he had no idea that this was really a big realization that I have come to not too long ago. People aren't going to stop loving me because of my lack of achievements. I don't have to be an amazing lacrosse player, or extremely smart to be loved.

What makes me any different from everyone else if I don't have amazing achievements?

This question has almost been a life purpose. Be different, stand out, give people a reason to love you and do it on your own. You aren't enough with out these achievements there are so many other people out there, you must stand out. and you must do it alone.

LIE.

Number one: I don't need specific achievements to stand out. As much as the Enemy may tell me otherwise, I'm different, I do have value just as God made me. And by virtue of being Christian I stand out. I am different.

Achievement aren't bad, don't get me wrong, they just don't make the person. I don't want people to label me by them, they are fleeting. None can withstand the test of time. But instead mark me by my identity in Christ. Yeah, sometimes I'll admit I don't like the label of Jesus Freak but it is never failing, it's consistent. and a whole lot less stressful. God's got that, I got the easy part.

Number two: I don't have to do it alone. I don't have to do anything alone. God really is always with me. I may forget and I may choose to look away from Him, but everything I do he is with me, and probably doing all the work while I complain about how hard it is.


So I don't know where you are, I don't know if you're a Christian, if you even believe in God but take this for what its worth. It important to me and as obvious as it seems to be it isn't exactly easy to remember, but its an amazing thing when we do.

Today i want to be little again.

stuck

This years going to be tough. I already have a project due soon and 2 test dates planed. I have an essay to write and math problems to do tonight. I guess thats whats to be expected on the first day with 3 college level classes and 2 honors.

I'm so ready to just get through this school year. To finish with the homework, the tests, and the SATs, not to mention the cliques, the gossip, and the partying. I can't wait to get out of high school. Graduation date is totally the light at the end of the tunnel.

but when i get there i have so much to face. so much to leave.

There is so much here that I want to prolong in the next year; friendships , the freedom that comes with having my own room and the comfort of MY world, the world I know. How could I want to leave that? Why would I ever want to stray from that?

So while wanting so badly to run toward the end, I have an unbelievable desire to stop and soak up the light at this beginning of this tunnel that I am about to enter into.

Being scared of every new change and scared of all the loss has almost shaded my view from seeing all of the amazing new opportunities waiting ahead for me. There are so many new relationships to be formed, some even better than the ones i have now.

But how can I say that? How can I bear to think that the ones that are so strong now will become second best to whats in store? It hurts to even think that.

The desire for comfort has found itself in a tough battle against a new since of adventure.

new emotion

We've never really been what you would call close.

We constantly have fought for everything that we have had to share our whole life, attention, the shower, the computer, really everything. But now that i have it i don't know if its quite worth it.



Today we ate lunch with my brother for the last time before he became a full fledged college student. He didn't eat anything. He said it was because he wasn't hungry but i know it was nerves. I can relate. I ate one chicken tender. one. and I felt full but I swear it's because the butterflies in my stomach were taking up so much room.

I kinda followed him around tonight at dinner, almost subconsciously. I teased him about girls and he did the same to be about guys, very sibling like. we got along. You wouldn't imagine it would take him leaving for us to show each other how much we mean to the other. I told him i would text him everyday. I probably will, for about the first month. Then the newness will wear off and the dynamics at home will become normal.

It feels like summer camp. he will be back in a week or two, but no, no he won't. This is college.



I fought back tears for about an hour this morning but after that I've been okay just kinda processing everything. But tomorrow I know it wont be as good. I can't stand to see him or my dad cry and a mixture of both is going to break me down. So tomorrow I'm planning on no mascara.

10 hours

there are less than ten hours left.
ten hours left until my brother goes to college.
ten hours till basically my brother becomes a full fledged adult. what!?
are you kidding me?
ten hours left as life with my older brother before hes gone.
ten hours till I'm the sole babysitter.
ten hours till I have my own bathroom
ten hours till his room is empty.
ten hours till he can no longer be protectively watching my every move
ten hours till I'm the center of attention.
ten hours till he lives somewhere else.
ten hours till home isn't his home anymore
ten hours till wanting to see him mean driving 3 hours
ten hours till it becomes real.
he's going to college. not cool.

the blogosphere

I'm not going to lie and say i wasn't intimidated a little when i decided to get a blog, i was really pretty nervous. who was going to read my blog? and if people did would they think that my writing abilities were unfit to be a blogger? but i started one anyway dragging my best friends into making one too.
After that more and more people i knew got blogs. I love reading what they have to say, it gives me and insight into their mind. I not only love hearing what they have to say but also how they say it. each blog has a different feel. I can feel their personality coming out and i love it.

my baby

She's a 16 year old sorrel mare.
I remember the day I got her like it was yesterday, I was scared to death. She was about 12 times my weight and i don't think i was even tall enough to see over her back without standing on my tip toes. It was the beginning of the school year and I skipped the whole day. We went to get pizza to celebrate, but the whole time i remember wondering if she was okay. I wanted to know if she was freaking out. I gave her a bath on that first day and i remember her whinnying for me every time i left her sight and she would quiet down when i came back.
shes always been a sweet girl, she follows me everywhere i go, unless there is food insight, I do have to admit that food usually takes priority over me. shes my baby though. the only thing i have ever had full responsibility for.

but now school has gotten overwhelming, friends take up so much more time now that we have money and cars and to get that money i am working a lot.
i see less and less of her every year. I come occasionally and a cloud of guilt follows when i know i should be out there more. So my parents have come to the conclusion that its time to sell her. I have refused to help but it would be impossible for them to sell her alone, they know nothing about her or just horses in general. So i know its best for her but i don't know if i can do it. Sell my own horse, really? its been a life long dream of mine to own a horse and i feel like i had it in my hands and now I'm throwing it out. I'm losing my baby.

The Fabulous life of a teenager (part two)

My point of the glamorized view of teenagers by little girls was proven to me yesterday while babysitting. There were two little girls one was 9 and the other 5. They wanted to pretend, to play a game but to my almost amazement the game that they wanted to play was to be teenagers in high school.

We all had celebraty boyfriends (the Jonas Brothers) and we went to prom. We all had pocket books and tons of jewelry. Prom started at 4 o'clock in the evening and I wore a pink tu-tu and jeans. Our life consisted of dating boys and going to fancy dances and dinners. Fabulous.

In there little girl minds prom was great, there was no grinding, no substance abuse, and defiantly NO kissing. We were way too young for kisses on the lips. we don't do that until we're at least twenty. duh! We had no homework weeks. and parents weren't an issue. 11 o clock was late and a romantic date consisted of a waltz at the Pizza Palace.



to put it simply, I had to pretend to be a 17 year old.

friends

Last week i went on a mission trip with my youth group. This trip is notoriously the place to make new friends which is by far my favorite part. But in this you tend to not hang out with the friends that you hold the closest. You see them, vent to them, catch up but the majority of the time you are meeting new people in your work groups, small groups and just around during meals and such. This got me to thinking how much i truly love my friends. My real friends. My best friends.

These are the kind of friends who know you so well that you can't hide anything from them. These are the kinds of friends who you don't have to say a word to express how you're feeling, a hug would probably to it better anyway. You know that a hand will always be there for you to squeeze and an ear to listen. these are the friends who regularly see you in a tee-shirt and hair a mess and couldn't care less. These are the friends in which silence is never awkward, in some ways its almost comforting.

These are the friends that you know, you just know, that its going to be a life long friendship. These are the friends that know your flaws, oh so well, and still choose to call you a best friend back. These are the friends who even though you do nothing you still have fun.

these are my best friends.

the step out of my world

I didn't cry, not at all. I didn't think i would but i mean it was my older brothers graduation. It hasn't set in. the fact that hes really leaving. moving somewhere else.

he's no longer a high schooler. He's 18. He's an adult. He can no longer be considered a child. Yes, he still has a lot of growing up to do but he's no longer in my world. My high school world, still hanging on to childhood by a thread.
As my dad said, this is when you have to let him go and pray they've done their job as a parent. that they have raised him well, with the values and morals they know he has. This is truly the start of his life on his own, not connected to his family. It is his turn to make a name for him self. He will now choose his own path and there is nothing we can do but watch and pray as he gets older and more mature. Visits will eventually slow down and summers home will become none existent. After this summer, my home will no longer be the place he calls "home" anymore. This is the start of a new page in his life. The start of his adulthood. I don't know how i feel about it.

let go

I want to be in charge. I want control of my life. To be honest I have a hard time asking someone else to fix my problems, even if it is the Creator of the Universe. That sounds ridiculous, but its true. I know that God would do a much better job at handling my life and it would be a whole lot easier, but there is always that urge to not let go.
It's because my life is too precious to me. In my sometimes very worldly view of things I feel like it's all I've got. Yes, I know I have eternity. This is just a short chapter, a preface really, to what is to come, but I am short sighted. I see my problems and usually have a hard time seeing why my way of thinking and action isn't correct.

So, its time to let go. lose control. Ride through life with out the reins.

lyrics.

i love lyrics.
and i have found my new favorite song.
it has great lyrics.

No ones been riding with me for a long while
so I'm being careful trying to watch my speed
but its getting hard to keep my eyes on the highway
knowing you re over in the passenger seat

My heart be still
I'm havin' trouble breathing
wondering if you feel
the same way that I'm feeling
cold sweat
so strange I can't play it cool

My hearts out on the limit

girl give me something to lose

influence

When i was 8, teenage girls were all that i wanted to be. They were so pretty, so grown up, so perfect. They seemed to be so put together, they wore make-up. they had boy friends, they had cars, they had freedom.

Now I'm there. I'm in that stage of life that seemed to be so fantastic at such a young age. But its not as it seemed. I sometimes cry for no reason, boys confuse me, my car is purple and i usually wear very little to no make up at all. Nothing like the ideals of my childhood. School is hard. Relationships harder and finding my identity in Christ and myself is the hardest of them all.

But I love my life. I love these years. I love the the struggles, I know they are shaping molding me into the woman that i will one day be. Its okay that its not perfect. Its such a beautiful disaster.

So now i look at the little girls around me, the sweet little girls i baby sit. They must think life is great from where I stand. And really, it is. Its just not what they expect.

thats awkward.

Awkward moments make my life.
I am an awkward phone talker, I'm awkward when passing people in the hall and I'm really awkward around people I don't know.
yesterday, i was walking up our stadium stairs with my friend, Ashley and i tripped up the last stair. Number one, tripping is awkward. How are you supposed to respond to that? Pretend like it didn't happen?
that's probably what i would have done if the kid sitting at the top of the stairs didn't say " You tripped." Thank you, I was unaware of this fact. I am so grateful you could point this out for me. Not only that, but my friend cracked up. I mean really cracked up, and replayed the incident multiple times, and told just about everyone we knew that passed. it was awful
So we were coming back up the stairs for some reason or another when Ashley starts to talk to a friends mom. Three girls pass between them, and the man beside the woman Ashley is talking to says "Where are you going?" talking to one of the three girls. Ashley thought he was talking to her. "To my car" she says. "Oh I was talking to my daughter"
"I didn't want to talk to you anyway" and we leave. This time I cracked up. Sweet Karma. It was awkward.

one more.

Its the last week of lacrosse. It's been my life for the last few months and I know i have complained about it a lot, but its not hard to tell that i love it, and my team.
We wouldn't be friends with out it, we all kind of know that. But we are friends. I have made countless memories, pinky promises and have burned more calories laughing than running (okay so maybe that's an exaggeration, we run a lot). I love these girls. I'm going to miss our daily conversations while running laps, crowded bus rides, d-gate (our defense), and cheers. I'm their "crazy legs", they are my team.
But with the end of lacrosse i get my old life back. I get small groups. i get free time. I get leadership team. I get family dinners. I get a normal sleeping schedule. I no longer have scared and bruised legs (big plus.)
I'm really not sure how to feel. I'm going to miss it... a lot. but finally i get to return to my less-hectic life.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb

90 percent

I've been told i look like her since i was about 7. Sandra bullock has in many cases become a synonym for my name. I have even had a friend's family know me as nothing other than Sandra Bullock. They would be talking and someone would say Christin and no one else would understand who it was until someone said Sandra bullock.
Knowing this i could have guessed who my celebrity match was going to be, but i didn't realize that it was going to be a 90% percent match. That's crazy. 90%. Our eyes were the exact same. But I smiled she didn't. bummer. here's my morph.

lacrosse

its pretty much all i talk about from the beginning of February till the end of April. I apologize for this by the way especially to my best friends whom i know don't really care, i mean i don't blame them. I can't help it though, its like word vomit. I can't keep it in. I love it so much and not to mention it takes up my entire life during the season. I truly need to warn people not to bring it up because i know i will talk your ear off, i just cant help it.
Maybe it's because there is nothing else in my life during this time, i have nothing else to talk about . Or maybe i just get so excited about it that i want everyone else to be excited about it. i don't know but this is my written warning. Don't ask about unless you truly want to hear EVERYTHING about lacrosse. So i am sorry. ill try harder. i just want you to love it like i do.

the story to the title

If you have ever been horse back riding you know that the reins are essentially to controlling where you are going and help keep you on the horse.
But if you ride horses regularly you probably have tried at least once or twice to ride with out them to see if your horse was well behaved enough, to see if you were skilled enough or whatever. The truth is, is that it usually doesn't work. You end up going in a direction that you were not expecting to go in and have no way of gaining. This creates a huge feeling of vulnerability and complete dependence on the horse. In most situations this is not a favorable feeling but in a walk with Christ this is ideal. Completely out of control. Vulnerable and sometimes completely blindsided but knowing that the one leading you has only the best in store. so we sit most of the time trying hard to gain control, get rid of this vulnerability and fear of the unknown when really that's the beauty of the life as a christian. We have no control and that's how its supposed to be. All we have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.