218 days.

Change is so scary sometimes. It strips away the comfort of the known.
It's effects are hard to control, and I will readily admit I like control.
So the same fear is still ahead of me. College. Easily the biggest change of my life and as of tonight, other than the decision making process, college is out of my hands. Applications will be done, grades submitted. There is nothing left I can do to control where I get in. There is nothing I have left to do to.
The rest of my life, my life on my own, is laying right in front of me.

218 days till graduation. The count down has begun.

my day.

Today was Page-Grimsley. It was a completely crazy day. (At this very moment I am speaking to the amazing Spencer Vaughn who is trying to console and trying to stop my shaking.)
Okay so lets start at about 3:00pm today at school. We were having our annual pep rally before the big rivalry game. It started off all fun, until fight broke out behind me. Me, along with just about every other senior in the stands, was quickly shoved off the stadium stairs. Not a good feeling. Administrators pushed passed and within minutes the fight seemed under control, then our attention was drawn to the opposite side of the gym. Another fight had broken out. This fight soon enough moved to the center of the gym where the performances had once been going on. Just as soon as this fight was there had hundred, yes hundreds of people joined it. I did as I was told and quickly walked out side with all of the other students who felt that maybe a huge brawl isn't exactly what we need during a pep rally. I went home a bit shaken up and eventually calmed down.
Then I went to the Page-Grimsley game where of course Page kicked some butt and had a great time. I heard that apparently there was to be a party in my neighborhood and honestly had no desire to go and no possible way of going either because I was supposed to watch my little brothers. So, instead four of my friends came over and we watched drum line while my little brothers slept. We drank sprites and doctor pepper and ate oreos. pretty harmless. We step out of my house to see two police cars. I wasn't nervous, we had done nothing wrong. I got a little more nervous when a man with a flashlight came out of the wood. It was the police man.
He questioned us saying that he smelled weed. When I heard the other cop talking about the party down the street I immediately said we had nothing to do with it. Not a good idea to deny something you haven't been accused of. I was defensive, in the most polite way possible, but still I couldn't stop saying "I promise we didn't smoke, you can test me." "I promise this" "I promise that" apparently you shouldn't be defensive. I learned this later. Everything that could be wrong was, my parents we out of town, my brothers and their friends have a fort with beer bottles in it ( not sure why) that the police saw and I had to explain what it was. Not exactly an easy task.
They eventually let us go, not believing us at all.
I hate that they don't believe me, I honestly did nothing wrong. I told them that but tactics for convincing someone of the truth aren't exactly optimal for a cop.

What I learned tonight, answer direct questions and don't try to convince them that you didn't do anything wrong because they won't believe you.

sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't want you to come to the game. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I think you are probably the person whose feelings are the ones I would most like to protect. I promise I really do like to spend time with you. no joke.
I know you don't understand my reasoning, I guess that's understandable. I learned today in Psychology class that teens brains really don't work quite right; that we use the emotion and instinctual parts of our brains more where a fully developed adult uses the logic part more. So one day I too will not understand the irrational decisions I make now. So i just want you to know that I'm sorry for my stupid decisions and even more sorry I hurt your feelings.

dragging

Everyone has it.
Baggage from past relationships, situations or mistakes. It weighs us down, keeping us from things that initially should have been easy, but having to carry what feels like suitcases full of rocks makes this simple task, a process.
We get so used to carrying this weight we sometimes don't realize how much we are dragging. It becomes part of our daily struggle. Everyday while it seems that it is getting easier, the reality is, is that we are starting to incorporate it into our life a little more, making something that is not supposed to be in our life, a normal thing.
We are faced daily with the opportunity to let it go, but sometimes once we get to the point that we realize letting it go is an option we have no idea how to function with out it. The freedom that giving it away gives scares us, we don't know how to handle it. So we hold on a little longer while keeping with this twisted sense of comfort.
But how could we logically live dragging this weight when right beside us is one who is infinitely stronger than us and is offering to take it, leaving you with nothing to carry? It seems silly, but we do it everyday.

lost and found.

So. . . good news.
God's kind of AMAZING.
I get to keep my horse. sort of. We are "loaning" her to the a family friend. They own the barn that she is boarded at and are incredible people. They know about the financial crunch that my family has been feeling and when my mom told them that we were going to have to sell/give away logan they offered to help. They are going to use her for lessons, and still allow me to ride. they make money, we save money and i get to keep my baby. I know, what could be better.
Basically God has stepped in all 9000 times we have had to almost sell her. There has to be a reason.
So thanks God. You're pretty cool.

lost dream

I don't like telling big news. This probably surprises many of you because you know that I love to tell anyone and everyone every little thing that happens in my life, but one wouldn't expect that the big things i just don't feel there is ever a right time to tell someone.
well, i guess now is a good time to tell cyber space. To many this won't matter, that's okay, its huge to me.
So at the end of the month I won't have a horse anymore. She's expensive, really expensive. I know that, I understand the reasoning. My parents are super stressed about money, the housing market sucks, meaning my dads company is sucking wind. We have no extra money, we all have to make sacrifices and I guess my horse is mine, but it really really sucks.
We are trying to sell her, but if we don't sell her, we're giving her away. So anyone looking for an exceptionally sweet quarter horse worth about one and a half grand please talk to me.
If you were to talk to me about this, I would be nonchalant as if i could care less about it, when really its really going to be hard.
Its not even that I'm losing my horse, where that is going to hurt its going to be nothing compared to the fear I have about losing a dream.
My life long plan has always involved horses, my college choice, my prospective career path, everything. What will I do with out it?
I feel like if I don't have a horse maybe I will see that I don't really need horses in my life, maybe I don't want to have horses all my life, maybe my college doesn't have to include horses.
Crap. My whole plan is shot. Where do I go now? What do I want to do with my life?

My life plan is centered around horses and if I lose that I don't know where to head. I feel like losing her is losing a dream.