new emotion

We've never really been what you would call close.

We constantly have fought for everything that we have had to share our whole life, attention, the shower, the computer, really everything. But now that i have it i don't know if its quite worth it.



Today we ate lunch with my brother for the last time before he became a full fledged college student. He didn't eat anything. He said it was because he wasn't hungry but i know it was nerves. I can relate. I ate one chicken tender. one. and I felt full but I swear it's because the butterflies in my stomach were taking up so much room.

I kinda followed him around tonight at dinner, almost subconsciously. I teased him about girls and he did the same to be about guys, very sibling like. we got along. You wouldn't imagine it would take him leaving for us to show each other how much we mean to the other. I told him i would text him everyday. I probably will, for about the first month. Then the newness will wear off and the dynamics at home will become normal.

It feels like summer camp. he will be back in a week or two, but no, no he won't. This is college.



I fought back tears for about an hour this morning but after that I've been okay just kinda processing everything. But tomorrow I know it wont be as good. I can't stand to see him or my dad cry and a mixture of both is going to break me down. So tomorrow I'm planning on no mascara.